I’m not sure I belong here…


When I first started blogging about my infertility struggles and I started to read the blogs of so many women who have been dealing with infertility and loss for much longer than I, it was comforting knowing that in spite of their struggles these women are strong women – many of them who have gone on to successfully get pregnant and even already have given birth.  [Wow – that’s a run on sentence].  They – YOU – gave me hope and are an inspiration.  I felt like I was in the company of amazing women and I felt like I belonged.  You have led the way and I would follow knowing that whatever happened I would have your support.

But, after my amazing call with Dr. Sher, something shifted in me.  I don’t think I belong here anymore.  I went from having an explained reason for why we aren’t getting pregnant – DOR.  But, since he says that he barely would call my levels worthy of a DOR diagnosis, I feel unexplained.  Why aren’t we getting pregnant?  Is there something that we’re doing wrong?  Is it an autoimmune issue (a whole different set of scary issues to face)?  Dr. Sher says it is only because of my age.  But really?  We’ve had unprotected, very well-timed intercourse for more than a year with one pregnancy that ended in miscarriage.  It’s been 8 months since our loss and no positive pregnancy yet.

I’m in limbo.  I’m supposedly fertile yet inexplicably I’m clearly not quite fertile either. (Though I am counting on a positive pregnancy test on Sunday).

I honestly don’t know where I belong.  What many of you are going through is much more challenging than what I’m going through…but you have a diagnosis, the explanation and I want that too.  Is what I’m saying inappropriate?  If so, I apologize.  I should be overjoyed by the outcome of my call with Dr. Sher and keep my mouth shut but now that the dust has settled…I’m really just confused.

If I have offended anyone, I sincerely apologize.  This blog is my journal and I need to keep writing as I work through these emotions.  I’ll understand if you want to stop reading and supporting.

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6 thoughts on “I’m not sure I belong here…

  1. You haven’t offended me and it sounds fairly natural. There is so much that’s unexplained though and I can recognize how you’re feeling. My dr. told me that I have no problem getting pregnant and it’s just a matter of time until an intact embryo comes along. I have the diagnosis of mild endometriosis but no clear answers for our miscarriages. It’s an odd place to be. I don’t think there’s a clear criteria of what diagnosis you have or how many losses to be “in the club” so to speak. If you need support then we are here for you.

    Fingers crossed for Sunday!

  2. Well, I think you belong! Everyone going through IF (diagnosis or not) deserves an outlet! Sometimes I feel like because we’re not pursuing IUI or IVF that I don’t belong either…but I still need a place to get out the good, the bad and the ugly. It keeps friends and family updated and the overwhelming support from the blogosphere is unreal! Sometimes it helps to just have someone that knows what it’s like to give you a virtual hug or to cheer you on. No matter how many failed cycles, we all need that!

  3. It seems to me that because you don’t know where you belong, you belong more than ever. If you needed support when you had an answer, surely you need it even more when that answer’s been taken away and not replaced. I don’t believe anything you said was the least bit inappropriate. I love your blog!

  4. Prayers to you as you continue on your journey! Lean on God for the strength to battle bad news and the courage to continue on trying! I have multiple issues that keep me from conceiving often and also cause me to miscarry… Through my journey… I had to distance myself from all the medical explanations and seek the only answer that mattered… If God said yes to a natural child… then it would be! After three long years… we got our child. I believe you can too! Blessings to you!

  5. You definitely belong here! I need to go back and read your previous posts. I’ve been so caught up in everything on my end. You are actually fairly young….there are ladies in their 40s who get pregnant easily. I believe there must be something going on. Hopefully you WILL get pregnant very soon though.
    Also, I know this is a rough time for you with your impending due date. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you ❤ Hugs.

  6. I just came across your blog today. Infertility is hard no matter what, but I think it has to be harder without answers. I’ve had premature ovarian failure since I was in high school. Dealing with the emotional issues is still hard, but having the knowledge when we started ttc helped us make the decision to start our journey with embryo adoption. Not having answers has to be much harder. Praying for answers for you!

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