When I first started blogging about my infertility struggles and I started to read the blogs of so many women who have been dealing with infertility and loss for much longer than I, it was comforting knowing that in spite of their struggles these women are strong women – many of them who have gone on to successfully get pregnant and even already have given birth. [Wow – that’s a run on sentence]. They – YOU – gave me hope and are an inspiration. I felt like I was in the company of amazing women and I felt like I belonged. You have led the way and I would follow knowing that whatever happened I would have your support.
But, after my amazing call with Dr. Sher, something shifted in me. I don’t think I belong here anymore. I went from having an explained reason for why we aren’t getting pregnant – DOR. But, since he says that he barely would call my levels worthy of a DOR diagnosis, I feel unexplained. Why aren’t we getting pregnant? Is there something that we’re doing wrong? Is it an autoimmune issue (a whole different set of scary issues to face)? Dr. Sher says it is only because of my age. But really? We’ve had unprotected, very well-timed intercourse for more than a year with one pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. It’s been 8 months since our loss and no positive pregnancy yet.
I’m in limbo. I’m supposedly fertile yet inexplicably I’m clearly not quite fertile either. (Though I am counting on a positive pregnancy test on Sunday).
I honestly don’t know where I belong. What many of you are going through is much more challenging than what I’m going through…but you have a diagnosis, the explanation and I want that too. Is what I’m saying inappropriate? If so, I apologize. I should be overjoyed by the outcome of my call with Dr. Sher and keep my mouth shut but now that the dust has settled…I’m really just confused.
If I have offended anyone, I sincerely apologize. This blog is my journal and I need to keep writing as I work through these emotions. I’ll understand if you want to stop reading and supporting.