Why is it…?


Why is it that I struggled to get pregnant after our loss?  Why is it that I watched so carefully for EWCM each month and wished my period was longer and not so light?

Now that we are definitely not wanting more than our little girl, my period is so heavy each month.  (Sorry, TMI) I’m currently rocking serious EWCM, so much so that I want to call MH and tell him to get his ass home so we can procreate NOW.  LOL.  Not!

But, seriously?!  Why now?  After?  Why not before could my period have been so heavy?  Why not before could my EWCM show up like a charm?  I think I will always think about what it means to deal with infertility and loss.  Every month my period flows so dark and heavy, I will wonder why now and not before?

Luckily, we are so happy and satisfied with our little one.  If only I didn’t fear secondary infertility.  If only I didn’t fear a difficult pregnancy and another premature baby.  Maybe then.  But most likely not!  It’ll take a lot to convince me to go through the stress of TTC, pregnancy and birth again.

To all of you hoping for your first, second or even third little ones and who are struggling.  I think of you and I wish you a positive outcome!  I will never forget what it’s like to struggle.  You are not alone!

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Strange Symptoms…


It is still so early and I’m at the edge of my seat waiting to see if this little one sticks around.  In the meantime, I’m trying to focus on work and planning our holiday cards, etc.

I’ve noticed a couple of strange things though in this early pregnancy that also happened the last time (I think):

First, my underwear is bothering my.  In general, I wear t.hong underwear unless I’m on my period.  But this time and the last time, whenever I wear this type of p.anties, I’m so uncomfortable.  I made MH take me to T.arget to buy some inexpensive undies.  MH just laughed at me because of my desire to want “granny p.anties” but seriously they are so much more comfy to me and my tush!  Does anyone else have this same experience?  It might be pregnancy related because I usually have NO problem with my und.ies!

The other strange thing is how dizzy I get.  It happened the first time too but only right at the beginning once or twice.  Not it happens on a daily basis.  Out of no where, I get this dizzy spell, where I need to hold onto something and sometimes if I’m holding something like my phone, I’ll drop it.  I’m drinking a lot of water and fluids so I’m not sure what’s going on.  Did you get dizzy spells?

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In other news, I made my first doctor’s appointment for Dec. 28 with a highly rated OBGYN at a popular women’s center here in Seattle.  I also made an ultrasound appointment for the day before.  Yikes!  That’s so far from now but it’s nice to have it all on the calendar.  It’s a little nerve-wracking to do all of this with a new doctor in a new city but I have faith that it’ll work out.  So far, Seattle is working out nicely for us 🙂

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And, in other news, we got pre-approved for a mortgage and have officially started our house hunting!  We meet with our realtor on Saturday, a guy I met when I looked for short-term rentals two months ago.  MH and I have been going to open houses and exploring neighborhoods in Seattle and the ‘burbs on our own but we’re ready to make our “hunt” official.  It’s really exciting and making us feel like “grown-ups.”  We’re looking for a home that we’ll be in for the next 10 plus years – at minimum, we would like a single family home with 3-4 bedrooms and at least two full bathrooms, a nice big yard from Winston to run around and in an excellent school district.  My dream list would also include a gourmet kitchen and a den/library that I can turn into my home office.

If you live in the Seattle area, are there neighborhoods that you think are the best?

In Thanksgiving…


Three years ago on Thanksgiving weekend, I was matched on e.Harmony to MH.  We met in person early in 2009 and fell in love pretty quickly.

Two years ago on Thanksgiving weekend, we were celebrating Thanksgiving with friends and moved in together the next day.  MH proposed marriage two weeks later.

One year ago on Thanksgiving weekend, we celebrated our first Thanksgiving together as a married couple in a city that we thought we might want to move to (we chose Seattle instead) one day soon.

This year, we celebrated Thanksgiving with friends in our new city.  A city, where we will grow our family and build a home together.

This morning, MH got up and took care of the puppy and let me sleep in. I woke up around 10am and debated whether or not to take the one digital home pregnancy test that I had in the house or not – should I wait?  Should I take it?  I took it.  I let it sit on the bathroom counter while I went back into the bedroom to wait.  Three minutes later, I read the screen:

I went right to MH and told him that I was giving him a very, very early, tentative birthday present and myself a slightly late birthday present.  Then, I handed him the test!  (His birthday is on Aug. 1 – estimated due date is Aug. 3).

Today, we are very, very blessed.  I didn’t think we would see this without the help of ART.  We are praying and hoping that this little one sticks around and grows properly and healthily for the next 36 or so weeks.  We’ll be testing again tomorrow morning just to make sure that this is for real but for now we’re going to enjoy!

Thank you, thank you for your ongoing love and support.  I know that I’m going to continue to need it!

Much love and gratefulness,

M

Consult with CCRM Done.


Well, my consult with Dr. G. went well.  He seemed very nice and down to earth.  In fact, there was so much small talk at the front end, I felt myself getting a little irritated and uncomfortable.  LOL.  Whatever.

I didn’t learn too much more than what I already know about myself and the IVF process.  I did learn more about CCRM’s process and also that he lumped me into a category of women who have a 65% success rate with a 30-40% twinning rate.  The actual success rate for me may change once they’ve seen me and done the test themselves.  I also learned that we could potentially get started right away – meaning as soon as I get my period (which I hope stays away because it would mean that I’m pregnant!) we would make arrangements to fly to CCRM and stay for two nights.

It was interesting that he went over the risks involved very carefully – both the risks to me and also to any resulting baby(ies).  None of the other doctors have done so with me.  They’re pretty scary though rare…

MH has no idea how our call went other than me sending him a text that it went well and was very interesting.  I know that based on the stats alone that he will want us to choose CCRM.  I’m probably pretty close to calling it CCRM too but I am pretty nervous about cycling so far away.  That’s pretty ridiculous, huh?

I’m also really anxious about flights, travel, how it all works, etc.  I need to let it go though, right?!

If you were me: would you go to CCRM or the other (for those of you newly following, the other is Oregon Reproductive Medicine in Portland) with also really great success rates but not as high as CCRM?

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On the TWW front, I’m on CD25.  I continue to have wacky dreams, extreme exhaustion and tugging/pulling in my uterus/belly.  Would you test on or after Thanksgiving Day?  I’m usually a pretty regular 26-28 day cycle girl.  OR, would a digital test tell me the truth right now and you wouldn’t wait – you would test tomorrow morning?  If I’m not pregnant, I would get my period on Thanksgiving Day or on Friday.

What would you do?

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Clearly, I’m incapable of making decisions on my own given this post.  LOL 🙂

Trying Hard Not to Obsess in the TWW


For some reason this cycle’s TWW is really hard.  Maybe they all are challenging and I block out each month how hard they are for me or maybe it is because of it being a 35 day cycle instead of the usual 27 day cycle I’m pretty certain that I was pregnant and it didn’t stick.  Regardless, I feel like this cycle’s TWW is impossibly difficult.

All of the symptoms that I was having continue: extreme exhaustion (I seriously could have slept all day yesterday if I didn’t want to see my husband); really vivid dreams (at least one but more often two a night); being continuously hungry and thirsty (I bought a pink BPA-free, plastic cup with a lid and straw to drink out of – MH wonders why I can’t drink out of a normal glass and come to think of it, I wonder that too); a weirdly stuffy nose.  I have a new “symptom” that I actually suspect could be related: my belly, uterus seems to be stretching.  I feel it more this cycle than others.  It could be gas or it could be cramps but I don’t think so.  It’s stranger than gas or cramps – it’s a feeling that I’m not used to but comes and goes throughout the day and has for the past two or three days.  Oddly enough, I felt it happen a lot during the night last night.

I realize that I could be jinxing myself but I also just feel that my body is different.  It’s like it’s really trying this cycle to make it happen.  And, I know that it can happen.  I have faith that whether it happens naturally or through IVF that we will have a baby in our arms – just hopefully sooner rather than later!

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If you’re here from ICLW, welcome!  If you’re here just by chance, welcome too!  Here’s a brief look into our journey so far.

Drinking in the TWW


Yes, I told you all the other day that I think that I’m pregnant.  I appreciate your hope and good thoughts too.  But, I also know that I often think that I’m pregnant only for my period to arrive.  After my miscarriage and up until recently, during the two-week wait, I often abstain from drinking alcohol, exercising, eating the foods that I should avoid if I were pregnant, etc.

But lately, I wonder why?  It clearly doesn’t help me get pregnant so why do it?  I’m sacrificing so much and it never gives me the result that I want so I’m saying f’ it.

Don’t judge me but last night I went to dinner with a friend and I had a glass of wine.  I know that I’m clearly in the TWW and I’m having some pregnancy symptoms but I just don’t care anymore.  I don’t want to stop having fun and enjoying myself.  I decided that one glass of wine with a meal is OK.  It won’t hurt anything at this very, very early stage of the game.  If and when I get a BFP, I’ll stop having glasses of wine with dinner and all of the other things….Plus I’ve had friends when I was younger who weren’t TTC and drank for weeks before finding out that they were pregnant.  Their babies turned out fine.

What about you?  Do you drink during the TWW?

Definitely In the Two Week Wait


I’m pretty certain that I ovulated over the weekend.  Thanks to all of you for your comments and recommendations to take the OPKs at least twice a day during the prime fertile times to catch the surge.  I’ll definitely do it next month.

But, in possibly jinxing myself, but this is my blog and my journal, I’m going to say it: I feel pregnant.  I have no true symptoms but I feel like I am pregnant right now – if I am, I hope that it sticks.  My belly has a lot of twinges, I’ve been needing to eat more frequently (small snacks).  I had a dizzy spell when I was sitting down last night.  I’ve been having CRAZY dreams during sleep.  I’ve also been EXTREMELY tired.  I’ve been falling asleep on the couch at 8:30pm almost every night since Sunday and I am having the worst time getting up in the morning.  I feel like I could sleep all day.

I know. I know.  These all could be pregnancy symptoms but they all could not be too.  I’m probably jinxing myself but I’ve learned that I can say that I am and I can say that I’m not and what I say has nothing to do with what the pregnancy test will say at the end of the TWW.

I can’t pinpoint exact ovulation but I think we’ll know by Thanksgiving what is going on with my body.  I’ll be thankful either way for my health and the love and support of all of my friends and family – including all of you, my virtual friends!

Colorado in the winter?


I’ve been doing some thinking…in spite of CCRM having the best stats in the country or at least some of the best, I’m becoming a little hesitant to sign up for CCRM at this time of year.  By the time we start to cycle there, it will be the middle of winter.  That means snow.  And, potentially a lot of it.  I would hate to add the layer of weather to the stress that I will be facing while cycling.  Is it completely ridiculous for me to think about this as a potential reason against CCRM and one more mark in the pro list for Oregon?

So silly but I can’t help but think of ALL of the various reasons even those not fertility related.

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I’m pretty certain that I ovulated over the weekend.  I’ve been getting my post-O crazy dreams.  Last night’s was about a dragon and my mom.  We saw one in the river along a city walk (I think in DC) and my mom thought it was cute so she wanted to get into the water and swim with it.  So ridiculous, huh?!

 

 

So over OPKs


This is the second month in a row that I’ve not ever gotten a positive OPK reading.  The tests that I have say that I can take them anytime of the day as long as I’ve held “it” for around four hours and take the test at the same time each day.  So, I’ve been taking them first thing in the morning.  All negative empty smiley faces.  Is it possible that even though I’m getting my period that I’m not ovulating at all?  I’ll keep taking it until I know for sure it’s too late for me to O and hope that I can figure this out…

I’m not temping right now because my sleep is so erratic, so I can’t confirm O that way….so I’ve been trying to read my fertility with my CM.   This cycle, I had EWCM on CDs 11 and 12 and then completely dried up – it is now CD15.  Luckily, we’re able to get some good baby making sessions in so I’m not too worried.  I am worried though why I’m not getting positive OPKs.

So, I might be over OPKs moving forward.  I’m just (not) secretly hoping that I can get pregnant again naturally before we move onto IVF.  I’m hopeful but won’t be too disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

I’m really ready for Nov. 22 to happen for our call with CCRM!

Dreams…


April wrote about dreaming about other bloggers and it jogged my memory of the same.  The other night, I had a dream about many of you.  The only person who I know looks like in real life is S.I.F. because she has gorgeous photos of herself on her blog.  But somehow or another I knew what you each looked like in my dream: each so different, beautiful and glowing.  We were not pregnant and we were all pregnant at the same time – sort of innocuously pregnant, if that’s possible.  In it, we were supporting each other and cheering each other on.  Then S.I.F. handed out homemade gifts that she made each of us – bracelets, handbags, hats, etc.  It was all very sweet and very strange!  I woke up and told MH that I had just been to the best party!

Do you ever wish that we could all get together in one room and hang out and support each other for one weekend out of the year?  That would be so fun!  While I’ve applied to BlogHer (for my real life blog), I’ve never been accepted 😦  But I think that BlogHer conferences are just that to get together and support and celebrate each other.  I wonder if there is a portion just for infertility bloggers!  If so, I would be there in a heartbeat.  If not, we should plan a weekend together!