Therapy


I’ve started to see an individual therapist.  I’ve been feeling incredibly depressed lately and it has gotten pretty bad.  I feel completely unmotivated, angry, sad.  I don’t feel like myself and I decided it was time to do something about it.  A friend told me about her experience on antidepressants and how it helped to lift the fog of negativity so she could start to feel like herself again.  I haven’t broached the topic of antidepressants yet but I think I will soon.

I LOVE my therapist.  From the moment I met her and started to share with her (just my background and family history), I felt like she “got me.”  She even was able to articulate some feelings and put a label on them when I’ve been struggling for some time to do so.  As you know, I’ve been struggling a lot with MH and I brought up my “issues” with him.  She said that she wants to work with me on those because I’m committed to working on those but first I need to deal with the TRAUMA (she defined my experience as trauma) of the miscarriage, leading to a difficult pregnancy, leading to bed rest, leading to premature birth, etc.  She believes that when I’ve dealt with the emotions of the trauma of one emotionally challenging thing to another that I will better be able to work on my relationship with my husband.  I love it – I just wish I could speed up time so I feel better faster.

One of the homework assignments was for me to put down on paper each individual experience as a fact and then write about how I felt then and how I feel about it now. I think that I’m able to upload it for you to read (sorry it is so tiny).  These are deeply personal feelings and thoughts and I hope that you will be respectful if you choose to comment about what I’ve written.

Therapy Writing

I realize when looking at the whole picture that I was depressed through most of the last two years.  That I have felt very alone, scared and overwhelmed through the miscarriage, feeling so ill with my pregnancy with Roo, my water breaking, the hospital stay and even now dealing with the ongoing appointments with occupational therapists, nutritionists, etc.  I should probably write about it more here.  I just don’t have the time and I’m exhausted (and depressed, which doesn’t help).

So, maybe some of you feel the same way as I do, even if you haven’t been down the exact same path as me.  Please share with me.  I know I’m not entirely alone here.

xo

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Why is it…?


Why is it that I struggled to get pregnant after our loss?  Why is it that I watched so carefully for EWCM each month and wished my period was longer and not so light?

Now that we are definitely not wanting more than our little girl, my period is so heavy each month.  (Sorry, TMI) I’m currently rocking serious EWCM, so much so that I want to call MH and tell him to get his ass home so we can procreate NOW.  LOL.  Not!

But, seriously?!  Why now?  After?  Why not before could my period have been so heavy?  Why not before could my EWCM show up like a charm?  I think I will always think about what it means to deal with infertility and loss.  Every month my period flows so dark and heavy, I will wonder why now and not before?

Luckily, we are so happy and satisfied with our little one.  If only I didn’t fear secondary infertility.  If only I didn’t fear a difficult pregnancy and another premature baby.  Maybe then.  But most likely not!  It’ll take a lot to convince me to go through the stress of TTC, pregnancy and birth again.

To all of you hoping for your first, second or even third little ones and who are struggling.  I think of you and I wish you a positive outcome!  I will never forget what it’s like to struggle.  You are not alone!

One Lovely Blog Award


Thanks to one of my lovely readers, Lisa at The Pursuit of Pregnancy, I was given the One Lovely Blog Award.  Check out Lisa’s blog to follow her story.

The Rules:

  • Share who gave you this award to you with a link back to their blog (above).
  • Write down 7 random facts about yourself.
  • Give this award to 15 other bloggers.
  • Let them know they’ve won.
  • Pop the award on your blog.

Seven Random Facts About Me:

1.  I have s stuffed dog that I’ve had since I was one that I slept with throughout my life.  I don’t sleep with him anymore but when I’m sick or super sad I pull him out of his box and snuggle up – silly at age 36 but I don’t care.  I hope that Roo can have a special friend too!  I’ve already decided that I’ll get two of Roo’s favorite and rotate them out so we never have to worry about her lovey falling apart!

2.  If I had unlimited funds, MH and I would quit our jobs and start a travel blog.  I’ve traveled to 24 countries and 34 of the United States.  I would love to travel to all of the continents on the globe!  I feel very lucky to have been to so many places around the globe – in part thanks to my parents who gave me the travel bug but also because of work.  The most remote places I’ve been are South Africa for my 30th birthday (thanks M&D!) and Nepal, where I went after a break up in 2008.

3.  I write a public blog, which has been terribly neglected and has lost most of its readers because I focus all of my time on this blog.  I just lost interest in writing about what turned into really mundane things when I was “obsessed” with having a baby.  TTC consumed my thoughts and I couldn’t write about anything other than TTC and then I got pregnant and I couldn’t write about anything more than getting pregnant.  I am considering shutting down my other blog and just keeping this one up.  I don’t really want to be public about Roo blogging.  I want to keep her life private.

4.  I sometimes daydream about moving to the country and finding a way to survive in a tiny town – like in the romantic novels I read when I was in my 20s.  There’s something to be said about getting out of the rat race.  MH and I have sort of done this by moving from SF to Seattle but Seattle isn’t the small town that I dream about in my head.  I think about a seriously tiny town in Vermont or Maine or somewhere remote in Montana.  Silly daydreamer, right?!

5.  I wish I had more confidence!  I often fake it ’til I make it with my confidence.  I have suffered from insecurity since I was little.  I don’t know if it is because I surround myself with super confident, successful people or if it has something more to do with my own emotional make up but I am not as confident as I act on the outside.

6.  After I’m done having kids, I would consider getting a small boob job…I love my boobs but I think there’s something sexy about a little more cleavage than my pre-pregnancy boobs provide.  Plus, MH is kind of a boob guy!

7.  I’m afraid of heights – I used to be totally unflappable but at 17 something changed in me and I became fearful of things including heights.  I was at the top of a black diamond hill skiing with my dad and brother and something stopped me from skiing down the hill.  So, I took off my skis and walked all the way down.  I’ve only gotten back on skiis two or three other times since then and I’ve never gone on a hill harder than a blue square.

I have so many wonderful followers and many of whom are bloggers.  I like these types of “chain blog” things but I know some of you don’t like them at all, so I just encourage all of you to share seven random facts about yourself either on your blog or in the comments here.  It’s nice to get to know each other beyond infertility and pregnancy!

Already 26 weeks!


Yesterday, Roo has been with us for 26 weeks.  I don’t know where the time is flying to and I am excited that I will be in the third trimester in a jiffy.  It’s kind of crazy!

This week has been a little busy.  We are set to close on our new home on May 18 – we will take full possession three days later.  I spent a lot of the week arranging for home owners insurance, finding a moving company, etc.  It’s very exciting but also very hectic.  MH and I were able to go over to our new home yesterday afternoon and we met the current home owners.  They are a very sweet couple, who never had children but said that they are excited that a baby/child will be in the house.  The woman said that the house is made for a family with children.  I don’t know if they struggled with infertility themselves but she appeared wistful so it makes me wonder and it makes me happy that Roo will be that child in the house!

MH is also sick, so I’ve been dealing with a sick husband.  He has bronchitis, which our doctor is concerned could turn into something worse.  MH did get his whooping-cough vaccination a couple of weeks ago but because whooping cough is a pervasive problem in WA state right now, the doctor took a more aggressive approach to treatment than if I were not pregnant.  When MH is not feeling well, he is very cranky and so has jumped onto any tiny argument this week.  I’m trying to be patient but between he not feeling well and my hormones in overdrive, it’s been a rough week with lots of tiny arguments.  I know things will be better when MH feels better – hopefully sooner than later.

I feel like a bargain shopper this week.  I came home with an UppaBaby Cruz stroller that I’m in love with and saved $$ on to buy.  I got the bouncer that I wanted for just $15 – I found the exact one that I wanted after I wrote my previous blog entry and picked it up yesterday!  I also picked up the baby bathtub that I wanted and was recommended by several mommy friends for just $10.  It is sold new for more than $40.  I feel great about my purchases!  I also found the papasan swing that I want for just $50 that is being held for me until after we move – how nice is that woman to hold it for me!

It is clear that I am now feeling comfortable in the knowledge that Roo is going to be our little girl.  I love making these purchasing decisions and picking them up.  Our apartment is quickly being littered with baby items and it’s a good feeling.

My belly has grown a lot.  I’ll take a photo this week.  I love feeling Roo kick get stronger and stronger, which means that I feel her much more frequently throughout the day.  I’m over feeling odd about it and just adore knowing that she’s here with me all the time.  I love laying in bed when I fall asleep and when I first wake up and feel her moving all around.  Now, instead of feeling just her feet kick me, I can feel both her feet and hands moving at the same time.  It’s so much fun.  I’m in love, can you tell?

This past week was infertility awareness week.  I read many blog entries about it especially those who have not yet been able to find their happy ending yet and it made me reflect on my own journey.  Each person’s story is different.  Each person’s journey will take a different path – like in all facets of life.  As a (most-of-the-time) positive person, I like to focus on the positive.  A friend came to stay with us on Thursday night – she was in town for work – and she shared her sister’s story with me: her sister was 36 when she got married and tried to get pregnant for years.  She went through three IVF cycles without success and had made the decision to take a break from TTC.  She made all kinds of plans to train for and run a marathon, take classes, travel with her husband to refocus on marriage than baby, etc.  All of the “things” that we neglect when consumed with TTC.  Two months after stopping all of the medications, tests, ultrasounds, etc., her sister got a miracle BFP.  Today, after four years of TTC and dealing with infertility, they now have a six month old baby girl.  Our friend’s sister was 40 when she got her miracle BFP.  I know that I got a miracle BFP but this story is even more miraculous than our story and it gives me continued hope for my many friends who follow this blog who continue to struggle.  I never give up hope for you!

How far along? 26 weeks, 1 days
Total weight gain:
17.6 pounds since my first OB appointment
Maternity clothes? 
Yes!
Stretch marks? None, still slathering up every day with cocoa butter lotion
Sleep: I’ve been sleeping better now but I’m suffering from allergies so breathing and a stuffy nose are not my friend
Best moment this week: Knowing that I can feel Roo move around almost all times of the day
Miss anything? An allergy-free day and a good sleep
Movement: YES – tons!
Food cravings: Sweets
Anything making you queasy or sick:  Nope!
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out?  Starting to stick out!
Wedding rings on or off?  On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, happy, happy!
Looking forward to: Reaching the third trimester!

Stubborn


MH is stubborn.  He’s so funny.  I’ve been asking him to sit with me with his hand on my belly to try to catch one of Roo’s little kicks that she gives me at night.  MH will do it for about 2 minutes and then is over it. He gets so frustrated so quickly.  Then, when she starts to kick up a storm and I tell him, he gets stubborn and won’t come back. I’ll let him come to me and I know in time he’ll feel her.  She’s an active little girl and I know she’ll let her Daddy feel her kicks soon!

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If you’re here from ICLW: Welcome!  I’m in the middle of my second trimester of my second pregnancy (first one I lost at almost 6 weeks) with my first take-home baby – I hope and pray!  After our loss, we tried and tried each month with each cycle ending in tears and disappointment.  Six months after our loss, I went to a fertility specialist.  Because of my age, they did all the requisite testing and came up with a DOR diagnosis – finding me with fewer than half the amount of eggs I should have during a CD3 follicular u/s.  I was very disappointed – actually devastated.  Following that diagnosis, we tried a couple of IUIs with Letrozole without success and I started to look for answers elsewhere.  That elsewhere came up with a diagnosis of elevated natural killer cells.  We were told that my chances of getting pregnant and keeping the pregnancy beyond the first few weeks of conception were slim.  More devastation.  After much debate/discussion/research, we decided to move onto IVF.  The last natural cycle before starting the BCP for the IVF cycle, we were surprised with a BFP.  In all, our journey from going off BCP right after our wedding to our loss to this pregnancy was a year and a half.  That’s not as long as many but it was long enough for me to seek out the infertility community, which embraced me with open arms.

Today, I’m taking this pregnancy day-by-day.  It definitely has its ups and downs.  I try not to complain because I’d rather be here than not be pregnant.  I try to embrace the positive and negatives of pregnancy but accept the fact that as much as I wanted to love being pregnant especially because of the many trials that we encountered to get here that being pregnant is not my cup of tea!!  I hope you continue to read and follow my journey even after ICLW for March is finished!  Leave a comment and I’ll be sure to stop by and follow your journey too – we all need support and cheerleaders no matter what stage in this adventure we are in.

 

Research, research, research


Hi everyone,

Before I get started tonight, I wanted to introduce myself, properly.  My name is Michelle.  It’s really nice to meet you!  Now that is out of the way….

Feeling more confident about the reality of Roo coming into our lives in about 22 weeks, I’ve started to read the Baby Bargains book (BBb) that I bought and am trying to wrap my arms and head around the amount of stuff a baby needs.  MH and I are minimalists for the most part and so adding some more “stuff” to our life is hard, so we will be getting only what is necessary.  I suspect though that my parents will more than make up for what we don’t purchase on our own.  My mom is already salivating at the idea of shopping for her grandchild.

It is overwhelming where to begin.  Even though I’m not 100% confident that I will have a baby shower, we will still register if only for the fact that it is a good place to manage our list of things.  I’ve heard that Buy Buy Baby is a fantastic store but sadly there isn’t one close to us.  However, there is a Babies ‘R Us, so we will most likely register there.

The big items are the ones that I’m most concerned about at the moment.  They take the most research.  The BBb helps with a lot of it but I’m finding that I still need to do more.  For example, car seats.  There are infant car seats and there are convertible car seats.  The BBb recommends starting with an infant car seat and then upgrading once the baby outgrows the infant seat.  However, that means twice the cost of car seats, which is OK if you plan to have more than one baby but I’m not so sure I want to get pregnant again or if even if we wanted to have another if I could since Roo is a little miracle!  Then to figure out which car seat.  How much does it weigh?  I’m petite and if the car seat is heavy on its own plus a growing baby, I won’t be able to carry some of them for long.  Also, we have a car with a very small backseat.  A lot of car seats seem to not fit into small cars.  Darn Audi for having a small back seat!  Then some car seats are safer than others.  How do you choose the safest with the one that fits into your car along with one that isn’t too heavy with the one that….I could go on.  I think you get the picture.

Don’t let me get started on strollers 😉

So, the next few weeks will be spent doing a LOT of research, reading and testing.  I hope to find a store that will allow us to try out the car seats in our car to make sure they fit.

Here’s our priority list of “things” for Roo:

  • Car seat – this will be a gift from my parents
  • Crib
  • Bassinet/co-sleeper/Pack-n-play
  • Carrier (e.g. Ergo or Baby Bjorn with infant insert)
  • Stroller
  • Dresser – I think we’ll skip the changing table
  • Clothes – I think my mom will take care of these for us!
  • Cloth Diapers

Am I missing anything really critical?  I know there are the smaller items like a breast-feeding pillow, nail clippers, snot bulb, pacifiers, etc.  But, I’m more concerned about the bigger things.

As Roo gets older, we’ll add the other necessary items (e.g., high chair).  But, I want to try to keep Roo’s infant items to a minimum.

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On a side note, some of you may be aware of a “debate” going on in the infertility blogging world between two bloggers.  I won’t go into the details but if you want to read more check out Stirrup Queen’s blog.  A lot of my readers have jumped into the debate and I respect their reasons why but I think I’ll sit this one out.  I’m more passive and hate conflict – I’m a classic middle child wanting everyone to get along.  I can sympathize with each party’s side and I don’t think that there is a clear answer.  The Internet is a complicated and developing “world” that continues to evolve.  The world of infertility blogging is a community that brought me a lot of support and hope.  I hate to see it splitting and dividing, which because of this situation is showing its cracks.  I hope that everyone can come together.  We as women are emotional and extremely sensitive beings.  Probably this community is even more sensitive and emotional because of the topic of infertility, loss, parenting.  It’s so hard.  Again, I’m staying out of the fray and only hope that everyone can come together again.

Blue


Now that the holidays are over, two of my clients have wrapped up their projects and life is moving along, I have the blues.  I often get them after the holidays because I feel the let down.  It’s not foreign to me to feel this way but it is slightly heightened because my pregnancy hormones are in full force and I’m feeling a little lonely here in Seattle.  I can’t wait to meet new people but it’s hard to do so here especially as I work from home.

I’m trying to be proactive and I signed up for a drawing class.  It doesn’t start soon enough though – the 2nd of February.  I’m REALLY looking forward to it.

The hospital where I’ll give birth offers exercise classes for pregnant women in all trimesters so I think I’ll start to go to those too.  They also offer some other classes to take throughout pregnancy for both just the mom and for the couple.

So, I can’t say that I’m not trying…any suggestions on how else I can meet new people?

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In pregnancy related news, I got the referral for the NT scan.  I need to call tomorrow to get it scheduled.  I’m a little nervous about it but I also look forward to seeing our little one again.

Call me crazy but I think I can already feel my uterus getting larger especially when my bladder is full and in the morning after I’ve been asleep for a few hours and I’m curled up.  It might just be my imagination but I swear I can feel that my belly is getting larger than normal.  Have you experienced this?

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We told my parents.  They were thrilled.  I’m particularly nervous about my dad because he has a very clear preference for liking little girls over little boys.  My parents have a surrogate granddaughter and adore her.  My brother and his wife are having a little girl and so I’m so worried that he will love this little girl more than my child.  (So dumb, I know).  But my dad and I are so close, I’ll be so sad if he doesn’t adore my baby as much as my brother’s daughter.  Can you tell I’m still resentful and mad at my bro and SIL?  Things haven’t improved and in fact in our Christmas conversation they told me AGAIN (f*ck you) that I should try relaxing and maybe I’ll get pregnant.  Even though I’m already pregnant, hearing those words made my blood boil.  Anyway, I know that my fear of having my dad love my little one less than my brother’s daughter is ridiculous but I can’t help myself.

My parents are in Asia as my dad is working in the ER of a refugee camp.  MH and I are thinking of going for a babymoon in March before they leave so we can see them.  Is that crazy?  We would try to get business class tickets so we could stretch out and the doctor said that it is safe….but I’m a little worried about it.  I know medically I’ll be fine especially with my dad there but is that just totally nuts for us to go to Asia?  Should we wait until my parents are back in Europe and do our babymoon over there instead?

Infertility Continues to Suck Even When You’re Pregnant


Even four days after finding out that I’m pregnant, I can’t help but still think that infertility sucks.  I struggled for a short amount of time compared to so many others but I can’t help but reflect back on the roller coaster that was our journey to today and I know that it isn’t over yet.

I can’t get excited because I am afraid.  The last time I was pregnant, we lost our little one at 5w5d.  I’m terrified that I will lose this one too.  I’m terrified that I didn’t read my digital HPT correctly and that it really said NOT PREGNANT and that I’m wanting it so much that I read it as pregnant.  I’m being ridiculous.

I so want to be excited but I’m terrified.  I lay awake last night/this morning from 3:30-5 worrying.  I need to stop worrying and trust in my body.

Our insurance doesn’t kick in until Dec. 1 and so I won’t see a doctor for this pregnancy until after then and even then I don’t know when I’ll be seen as I need to find a new doctor.  Some of you have asked if I’m beta testing.  I’m not because I don’t have insurance or a doctor yet – I would pay for it out of pocket but I think it would only increase my worrying.  I’m trying to stay focused on the positive and take it day-by-day instead of focus on the numbers.

Today, I am pregnant!  I’m grateful for being pregnant and I’m thrilled beyond words!

Trying Hard Not to Obsess in the TWW


For some reason this cycle’s TWW is really hard.  Maybe they all are challenging and I block out each month how hard they are for me or maybe it is because of it being a 35 day cycle instead of the usual 27 day cycle I’m pretty certain that I was pregnant and it didn’t stick.  Regardless, I feel like this cycle’s TWW is impossibly difficult.

All of the symptoms that I was having continue: extreme exhaustion (I seriously could have slept all day yesterday if I didn’t want to see my husband); really vivid dreams (at least one but more often two a night); being continuously hungry and thirsty (I bought a pink BPA-free, plastic cup with a lid and straw to drink out of – MH wonders why I can’t drink out of a normal glass and come to think of it, I wonder that too); a weirdly stuffy nose.  I have a new “symptom” that I actually suspect could be related: my belly, uterus seems to be stretching.  I feel it more this cycle than others.  It could be gas or it could be cramps but I don’t think so.  It’s stranger than gas or cramps – it’s a feeling that I’m not used to but comes and goes throughout the day and has for the past two or three days.  Oddly enough, I felt it happen a lot during the night last night.

I realize that I could be jinxing myself but I also just feel that my body is different.  It’s like it’s really trying this cycle to make it happen.  And, I know that it can happen.  I have faith that whether it happens naturally or through IVF that we will have a baby in our arms – just hopefully sooner rather than later!

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If you’re here from ICLW, welcome!  If you’re here just by chance, welcome too!  Here’s a brief look into our journey so far.

Drinking in the TWW


Yes, I told you all the other day that I think that I’m pregnant.  I appreciate your hope and good thoughts too.  But, I also know that I often think that I’m pregnant only for my period to arrive.  After my miscarriage and up until recently, during the two-week wait, I often abstain from drinking alcohol, exercising, eating the foods that I should avoid if I were pregnant, etc.

But lately, I wonder why?  It clearly doesn’t help me get pregnant so why do it?  I’m sacrificing so much and it never gives me the result that I want so I’m saying f’ it.

Don’t judge me but last night I went to dinner with a friend and I had a glass of wine.  I know that I’m clearly in the TWW and I’m having some pregnancy symptoms but I just don’t care anymore.  I don’t want to stop having fun and enjoying myself.  I decided that one glass of wine with a meal is OK.  It won’t hurt anything at this very, very early stage of the game.  If and when I get a BFP, I’ll stop having glasses of wine with dinner and all of the other things….Plus I’ve had friends when I was younger who weren’t TTC and drank for weeks before finding out that they were pregnant.  Their babies turned out fine.

What about you?  Do you drink during the TWW?