Join Me In A Fantasy


It’s still dark when I wake up to pee and I stumble around in the bathroom to grab a HPT in the darkness – I can’t bear to turn the light on yet.  I’ve taken so many HPTs that it’s easy for me to pee on a stick (POAS) in the dark.  I finish doing my business and wait in the darkness until I think the time is up.  I stare at the test results – is that a Pregnant?  I think it says it but I turn the light on immediately.  YES!  It says that I’m pregnant.  Tears are running down my cheeks.  I didn’t think that it was true but it is….I walk quickly and quietly into the bedroom and slip back into bed next to MH.  My side of the bed is already chilled even though I was out of bed for less than 10 minutes.  I snuggle up next to MH and I whisper into his ear, “We’re pregnant!”

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This didn’t happen this morning nor did it happen yesterday morning.  It’s my fantasy.  I’ve been hoping, praying, wishing that I’ll get a positive HPT and confirm pregnancy so I don’t have to make a decision about which IVF path to take.

I’m currently on CD29, which is the longest cycle I’ve had except when I was pregnant.  I have no real idea of how many days past ovulation I am – dumb thermometer for failing on me mid-cycle, dumb OPKs for not giving me a REAL confirmed positive.  But I do know that even if I did ovulate late, my period should be arriving at any moment.

But, I’ve had ZERO PMS this cycle.  No sore b.oobs.  No blemishes appearing on my chin.  Nothing.  Except I’m very emotional and moody – like usual (I watched Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed get married on TV and I cried my eyes out, sobbing.  I don’t know them, they don’t know me. I’m crazy!).  I’m also usually fairly constipated during the LP until right before my period.  I’m still constipated, which means it is still at least 12-24 hours until my period shows up.

I’m afraid to test.  I don’t want to see a negative and so I won’t test.

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THANK YOU! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your advice, your thoughts, your ideas.  I was completely overwhelmed two days ago and now I am in a much better place.  We have decided NOT to go with the Sher Institute for now.  I even emailed Dr. Sher and asked him some follow up questions.  We’ve decided to first try clinics with higher success rates – I have an appointment with Oregon Reproductive Medicine on Thursday and I have an inquiry into CCRM to schedule a phone consult.

I didn’t feel good about the pressure that was being put on me to make a decision.  We’ll see what happens….maybe my fantasy will come true – though I realize that it may not.

I love you ladies for being here for me.  I know that we probably will never know each other in real life but if we were to meet, I know that I would hug you close in comfort knowing that the struggle that we have in common is a bond that will tie us together for life.

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In a couple of hours, MH and I will get in our car and pick up the newest member of our family.  Yes, today, we go get Winston!!!  I’ll post another photo of him later this weekend.

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5 thoughts on “Join Me In A Fantasy

  1. I’ve had those fantasies many, many times…I try not to indulge in them too much, but they happen anyway.

    Sounds like you are taking a sensible approach. Good luck with Oregon and C.CRM, both great clinics. I’d love to cycle in Portland – such a cool town.

    Look forward to hearing how the consults go.

  2. I’ve had no less than three dreams of a BFP this week. One digital, two…analog?

    I’m glad you’ve got some consults in the works. I hope you find just the right place to get your baby!

  3. Oh my gosh, your fantasy completely had my fooled! I have the same fantasy every month. You’re so good for not peeing on a stick, I can’t seem to help myself. It’s like I get some kind of sick pleasure out of horribly disappointing myself with only 1 line.

    I think your decision to check out the two clinics is a good idea. I look forward to hearing how it goes.

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