Taking Charge of My Depression

One of the reasons why I haven’t posted much recently is because my depression is worse. I’m also incredibly busy with my increased work schedule but I’m pleased with that part of my life and being busy with work allows me to occupy my mind in other ways.

I see a huge difference in my state of mind around my period. I seriously consider divorcing my husband when I’m PMSing each and every month. It is getting worse as each month goes by – I stood in the shower yesterday for 30 minutes crying. I am much moodier than I was even a year ago and I feel so hopeless about my marriage.

At my last therapy session, I told my therapist that it was time to do something chemically to help support the therapy that she’s working on with me. She was very supportive. I called my GYN today and she is prescribing me a low dose of Zo.loft. I hope I can start it today or tomorrow. It will take a few weeks go start working but I look forward to being on a better path than I’m on right now. This is one of the antidepressants that they said is safe for breastfeeding. I hope that is true.

I hope it can give me clarity to both feel better and have a clearer state of mind. With a clearer state of mind, I think I’ll be able to better sort through whether my depression is a marriage-related issue or just a hormonal imbalance.

This is the first time I’ve gone down this path and I’m scared. But, I’m more scared that without it I will make a hasty decision to divorce my husband and regret it. If I do make the decision to leave him, I want to do it with a clear mind.

Have any of you been so depressed that you needed some pharmaceutical assistance?


Signs and Symptoms of Depression? Yup

So, as the child of a marriage and family therapist and a physician, I’m pretty well aware of myself – physically and emotionally.  I took it upon myself to look up the signs and symptoms of depression because I think that I’ve been displaying them (plus MH has “bugged” me about it recently).  They are listed below but I’ll pull the ones out that pertain especially to me:

Loss of interest in daily activities – check!  I’ve been having a hard time getting out of bed/off the couch.  Sometimes I’ll stay in my PJs until 2-3pm.  I get showered and dressed a couple of hours before MH gets home so he doesn’t worry about me.

Appetite change – check!  I’ve lost my appetite.  I don’t know why but I’m NOT hungry.  I used to HAVE to eat breakfast but lately I can go without it and not eat until lunch time.

Sleep changes – check!  I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep for a couple of hours or I wake up really early in the morning.  Then, I’m sleepy in the middle of the day (for obvious reasons).

Loss of energy – check!  I used to go to the gym three or more times a week, heck I used to be a runner.  Then I had the miscarriage and I got scared.  So, I barely go.  It also doesn’t help that I spend half of my day laying on the couch.

Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness – heck yes!  I have no control and I’m quite worried that I won’t ever get pregnant.  I’m feel more helpless than hopeless but there is definitely a tinge of hopelessness there.  I’m trying to stay positive but each month that goes by I feel that positivity slip further and further from my grasp.

Am I depressed?  I think I am even though some of the signs don’t relate to me.  I’m probably not too depressed but I definitely am slightly depressed.  Is that even possible?!  LOL.

Well, I need to get out of this funk.  I know it’s a problem.  We are potentially moving cities for a new job for MH and so I hesitate to start therapy with anyone – so I just need to deal with it myself until we get to our new city.  I’m not too worried.  I’ll have MH go for walks with me at night after dinner and I’ll TRY really hard to get myself off the couch earlier in the day.  Maybe I need to start doing my consulting work from a cafe instead of my couch.

Have you dealt with depression through your infertility journey?  Did you seek professional support or did you work through it on your own?

Signs and Symptoms of Depression**:

  • Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
  • Loss of interest in daily activities.  No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
  • Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
  • Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
  • Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
  • Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
  • Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
  • Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
  • Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
  • Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

**Nothing on this page is medical advice or assistance.  Please contact your physician for medical questions or concerns relating to depression – I might play one a doctor on the Internet but I’m definitely not qualified!!