It has been too long. There’s no excuse other than so much going on here. I tend to turn to this blog as a source of venting, support and love. The last two months, I’ve probably needed it more than ever but I’ve been so tired, overwhelmed and unfocused to write.
First, a quick update on Roo. She’s doing great. She is still not walking but that’s ok. She’s getting really close. Just this past weekend, she started taking a few (3-4) steps on her own without provocation. It’s so cute. She’s still not talking either but that’s ok too. She has added the word “Ball” and that is almost all she says now. She is obsessed with balls. We also gave my parents names so she can call them by name now: Pa for my dad and Ma for my mom. She LOVES her pa. She still goes to her co-op class at the developmental center once a week. She is so cute there. She now fully understands circle time, snacks, playtime and art. Every week we bring home a new piece of art work, which she proudly shows off to anyone who asks about it. She turned 22 months a week ago!
On Thursday, May 1, is our appointment with the neurodevelopmental pediatrician at Seat.tle Child.ren’s Hos.pital. I’m anxious, anxious, anxious. Not sure what else to share about that until after it’s over and we get results.
Roo’s amazing nanny gave her notice. She’s moving back to Singapore to care for her mother who is ill. I’m so sad. We are searching for someone amazing again (with low expectations).
As for me, I’m a mess. My parents are in town which is great. They’re so supportive. I have so much going on. I feel like I carry the weight of Roo’s life on my shoulders. MH is great with her but he’s the fun dad. He isn’t able or is unwilling to be there for her (me!) beyond the superficial and the fun – he passes her to me as soon as she gets upset and cries unless I walk away. He doesn’t do any of her appointments with us unless they’re the major appointments (like Thursdays) and unless I specifically ask him to do go with me. I’m tired of asking. She is his daughter too. I am basically working full-time too. He also denies it but has been drinking alone at night (one night I woke up because his breath was so smelly of vod.ka). I can’t do it all. I’m falling apart.
I’m exhausted. (If you know me in IRL, please do not comment on FB or Twitter). I have had some enlarged lymph nodes in my neck and I’ve had a couple of ultrasounds to monitor them. They’re getting larger. I also found two more enlarged lymph nodes (or something) in my groin. It’s concerning. My dad is worried (and he’s a doctor). I go to my doc tomorrow for another follow-up.
One of my clients is driving me crazy. She is demanding more out of me (and I don’t blame her). I’m falling behind because I’m overwhelmed. I can’t focus. I don’t know what to do. We need the crazy good money that I make (but I just can’t handle the pressure of being mommy to a little one who needs extra help, being a working mother, and dealing with a husband who is choosing to check out instead of check in) but I want to stop working as much as I am.
I’m choosing my daughter over my husband. I need to choose work over him too. I need to choose my health over all. I don’t know what to do. I do know what I need to do (actually) but I don’t know where to start. I want to cry. Waaaah! OK. Here’s a cute pic of my girl on her bike (sorry it is so blurry). Thanks for listening. I’ve been reading and cheering and supporting all of you from afar. Sorry I’m not there for you right now. I just don’t have the energy.