Apologies, An Update and a Big Emotional Dump


It has been too long. There’s no excuse other than so much going on here. I tend to turn to this blog as a source of venting, support and love. The last two months, I’ve probably needed it more than ever but I’ve been so tired, overwhelmed and unfocused to write.

First, a quick update on Roo. She’s doing great. She is still not walking but that’s ok. She’s getting really close. Just this past weekend, she started taking a few (3-4) steps on her own without provocation. It’s so cute. She’s still not talking either but that’s ok too. She has added the word “Ball” and that is almost all she says now. She is obsessed with balls. We also gave my parents names so she can call them by name now: Pa for my dad and Ma for my mom. She LOVES her pa. She still goes to her co-op class at the developmental center once a week. She is so cute there. She now fully understands circle time, snacks, playtime and art. Every week we bring home a new piece of art work, which she proudly shows off to anyone who asks about it. She turned 22 months a week ago!

On Thursday, May 1, is our appointment with the neurodevelopmental pediatrician at Seat.tle Child.ren’s Hos.pital. I’m anxious, anxious, anxious. Not sure what else to share about that until after it’s over and we get results.

Roo’s amazing nanny gave her notice. She’s moving back to Singapore to care for her mother who is ill. I’m so sad. We are searching for someone amazing again (with low expectations).

As for me, I’m a mess. My parents are in town which is great. They’re so supportive. I have so much going on. I feel like I carry the weight of Roo’s life on my shoulders. MH is great with her but he’s the fun dad. He isn’t able or is unwilling to be there for her (me!) beyond the superficial and the fun – he passes her to me as soon as she gets upset and cries unless I walk away. He doesn’t do any of her appointments with us unless they’re the major appointments (like Thursdays) and unless I specifically ask him to do go with me. I’m tired of asking. She is his daughter too. I am basically working full-time too. He also denies it but has been drinking alone at night (one night I woke up because his breath was so smelly of vod.ka). I can’t do it all. I’m falling apart.

I’m exhausted. (If you know me in IRL, please do not comment on FB or Twitter). I have had some enlarged lymph nodes in my neck and I’ve had a couple of ultrasounds to monitor them. They’re getting larger.  I also found two more enlarged lymph nodes (or something) in my groin. It’s concerning. My dad is worried (and he’s a doctor). I go to my doc tomorrow for another follow-up.

One of my clients is driving me crazy. She is demanding more out of me (and I don’t blame her). I’m falling behind because I’m overwhelmed. I can’t focus. I don’t know what to do. We need the crazy good money that I make (but I just can’t handle the pressure of being mommy to a little one who needs extra help, being a working mother, and dealing with a husband who is choosing to check out instead of check in) but I want to stop working as much as I am.

I’m choosing my daughter over my husband. I need to choose work over him too. I need to choose my health over all. I don’t know what to do. I do know what I need to do (actually) but I don’t know where to start. I want to cry. Waaaah! OK. Here’s a cute pic of my girl on her bike (sorry it is so blurry). Thanks for listening. I’ve been reading and cheering and supporting all of you from afar. Sorry I’m not there for you right now. I just don’t have the energy.

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16 thoughts on “Apologies, An Update and a Big Emotional Dump

  1. I’m sorry it’s been so hard. I hope things gets better soon. I wonder if (in addition to all the other too, much you have going on) whether a counselor could help your husband understand.

    My husband is excellent with our ds, but I also understand the house, immunisations, government baby related paperwork, day care drop offs, meals….all these are my problem. His response to my rant last night was “well tell me what you want me to help with?” And my response was : why is it MY job to be in charge of all this and then delegate it? Why can’t you look, see what needs doing ,anticipate problems, and step up, all on your own? Because every day, this is what I do. In addition to full time work (earning better money than he does).

    Sorry, post hijack. Back to you. Something that really helped me was finding a 3-4 hr window that is guaranteed just me time. I use it to exercise, then go out to breaky and chat with mates from the class. It is my little window of sanity. And regardless of what is happening, Saturday at 7:30am I walk out that door. It is not enough, but it is a great start.

    Set some limits. Clear limits with clients. Clear delegation to DH ( can you please get dinner tonight, shop for ingredients, include some veggies, on the table by 6:30?), and another thing that helps is lowering your expectations. About housework, about your own ability to cope, about Roo etc. And put your health first, even if it means missing a few days’ work. Get some visits in and tests done and get some rest. I hope things improve.

  2. Oh gosh your daughter is so, so cute!
    I am sorry you are dealing with SO much. There is so much in your post I can relate to. I really wish I lived in Seattle and we could get our kids together to play and you and I could talk live.
    I totally understand about the work thing…I have been working so hard and just this week feel for the first time in months that I am not drowning.
    And waiting for that appointment…so hard…you have been through so much more than me with Roo but my daughter had heart issues we had to go see about and now my son potentially does too, he has an appointment in June and I don’t want to go because I’m so scared they are going to tell me something is seriously wrong…ugh…but I could never forgive myself if we didn’t go and there was something we could have done so we are going…I will just deal…
    And your husband…I know there have been challenges for a while…just lots of hugs…my situation is different but when we lost our daughter last summer my husband and I went through a horrible time…oh my gosh the worst fights ever and we even planned out the logistics of how we would divorce because neither one of us could stand the other…
    Take care of yourself and much love…
    XO

  3. Hugs to you and Miss Roo. Your in my prayers and it can be so hard when your partner just doesn’t get it. We, too, had terrible fights in NICU days and the year after. I started getting him to go to appointments and he slowly started to get what D’s needs are. Sorry that you are so overwhelmed. Best wishes and hugs!

  4. Roo is super cute 🙂 The good news is she is doing great. If she is doing 3-4 steps, then she will be walking real soon! Good luck at the appointment on May 1st! You are really strong to be doing all this and work full time! I get overwhelmed alot and I am still staying at home. I am sorry about the husband. I know how it feels to be like a single parent even though we are married 😦 I don’t know why they don’t notice by themselves what they should be doing, why we have to tell/ remind them. I always have to beg him to come to an appointment with us 😦 I hope you feel better! xoxo Fanni

  5. Hang in there, you are brave and smart to reach out, because there are no medals for staying quiet while your plate gets fuller & heavier. As an older mom who is out of the trenches of toddler time, I want to encourage you to keep breathing those big, deep breaths, everyday -even if they come out more like sighs. You will get through this! You already are. And your choices are good ones -your daughter and your health are important. Keep on leaning on your parents when possible and reaching out for help, keep celebrating those triumphs of cuteness with Roo, and keep believing in yourself. We are all here for you, cheering you on as you walk your path with Roo. Each step is a blessing, and you are not alone.

  6. I am so, so sorry. I wish I could reach out and give you a huge hug. You are doing more than should be asked of a single person, and you’re doing it really well. Your girl is beautiful, adorable, smart, healthy…*you* did that. I just wish you didn’t have to be super mommy all the time! I am sorry your husband isn’t more available to you and Roo both. I can’t imagine how overwhelming this must be, but know that I’m supporting you from afar. I’m thinking about you and Roo’s appointment today and sending lots of strength and love. Xo

  7. I am so so sorry you are going through all of this! Just reading what all you are experiencing is overwhelming to me! I will be thinking of you and hoping that Roo’s appointment is going well today. I hope your health improves soon as well, how hard to manage all those different areas of your life when you aren’t feeling well yourself.

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