One Year Ago

My water broke around 2:45 a.m. on June 7, 2012 when I was 31 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  I thought I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom.  Climbing back into bed, I realized that I was still peeing myself.  Duh!  Not pee.

That was the beginning of my crazy journey.  You can read the whole story, starting here.

The last year has been the longest, emotional roller coaster I have ever been on.  I don’t see it ending anytime soon but I do see it getting better with the highs being higher and sticking around for longer.

The end result was luckily a healthy and happy baby (for the most part) and we are so incredibly lucky and grateful for the support and care we received in the antepartum and NICU at the hospital.  If it weren’t for them, I’m not sure where we would be today.

I’m feeling particularly emotional and alone these days.  To think back on how much life has changed is surreal.  I know that having a baby is life changing but I don’t know what it’s like to have a full-term baby and I’m starting to really see the differences between Roo and her friends in our mommy group.  It’s hard to see.

I’m jealous.  It makes the past year even more bittersweet as I watch them start to walk and run, say mama and dada.  I know that Roo is making huge progress but the differences are greater and greater each day and I feel we are being left behind in the dust.

I wish that my water hadn’t broken last year on this day.  I wish she could have stayed inside of me until 40 weeks.  I wish.  I wish.  I wish.  But, it is what it is.

I need to celebrate what we have and accept what happened.  I think until I can wrap my brain around the surreal reality of a year ago that I can start to move on and be at peace.  Until then, I give myself permission to be sad and mourn what could have been.

In two weeks, we will celebrate our little girl’s first birthday.  I can’t wait!  She is the light of my life these days and to watch her dive into her cake will bring a great big smile to my face and lighten my heart.

3 thoughts on “One Year Ago

  1. Roo is amazing! Even though I don’t know what it’s like to have a premie I know what it feels like to watch babies the same age develop more quickly, and to feel like your baby is different. In a few years these differences won’t be as significant—she just needs some time to catch up. It’s totally normal to feel as you do, but try to give Roo time just be Roo. At least she has teeth! Sylvia is just starting to get hers. 🙂

  2. Practice: My child is her own best self. My child works hard. My child competes with herself … and not with some other different child. My miracle child is miraculous each and every step of the way! Your child is different from mine…. clearly we are all super lucky to be our own different selves.

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