I’ve started to see an individual therapist.  I’ve been feeling incredibly depressed lately and it has gotten pretty bad.  I feel completely unmotivated, angry, sad.  I don’t feel like myself and I decided it was time to do something about it.  A friend told me about her experience on antidepressants and how it helped to lift the fog of negativity so she could start to feel like herself again.  I haven’t broached the topic of antidepressants yet but I think I will soon.

I LOVE my therapist.  From the moment I met her and started to share with her (just my background and family history), I felt like she “got me.”  She even was able to articulate some feelings and put a label on them when I’ve been struggling for some time to do so.  As you know, I’ve been struggling a lot with MH and I brought up my “issues” with him.  She said that she wants to work with me on those because I’m committed to working on those but first I need to deal with the TRAUMA (she defined my experience as trauma) of the miscarriage, leading to a difficult pregnancy, leading to bed rest, leading to premature birth, etc.  She believes that when I’ve dealt with the emotions of the trauma of one emotionally challenging thing to another that I will better be able to work on my relationship with my husband.  I love it – I just wish I could speed up time so I feel better faster.

One of the homework assignments was for me to put down on paper each individual experience as a fact and then write about how I felt then and how I feel about it now. I think that I’m able to upload it for you to read (sorry it is so tiny).  These are deeply personal feelings and thoughts and I hope that you will be respectful if you choose to comment about what I’ve written.

Therapy Writing

I realize when looking at the whole picture that I was depressed through most of the last two years.  That I have felt very alone, scared and overwhelmed through the miscarriage, feeling so ill with my pregnancy with Roo, my water breaking, the hospital stay and even now dealing with the ongoing appointments with occupational therapists, nutritionists, etc.  I should probably write about it more here.  I just don’t have the time and I’m exhausted (and depressed, which doesn’t help).

So, maybe some of you feel the same way as I do, even if you haven’t been down the exact same path as me.  Please share with me.  I know I’m not entirely alone here.


12 thoughts on “Therapy

  1. I’m so sorry – that has been a lot to deal with, miscarriage and IF is bad enough, but I’ve heard that having a preemie and the nicu is beyond terrifying and trying. I am glad you found a great therapist and hope that it will go by quickly to where you can get out from under the depression.

  2. You’re not alone. I’ve felt so bad the past few weeks I haven’t even blogged, and only commented on others’ posts maybe four times.

    No, we haven’t been through much of the same things, but it’s hard feeling depressed, alone, afraid, and exhausted, no matter how you get there. I’m glad you clicked with your therapist, and I hope it continues to get better for you. *hugs*

  3. I’m unfortunately not even at the take-home baby part yet, but I do share your fears and feelings of loneliness etc. my therapy writing (aka my blog) goes into a lot of the same feelings. I am also in therapy for post traumatic stress. I even worry about the future (your present). I worry about the fact that taking home a baby won’t make everything all right. So much damage has already been done. I’m sure that’s hard for the people in your life to understand. I hope you have a good circle of people who care about you. Getting help is the right thing. Take care xo

  4. I definitely feel with you. My husband and I started therapy, after carrying a child for 5 months and losing her, but then stopped when we got pregnant again and my emotions were haywire. After a healthy pregnancy and baby this time around, I know our marriage still needs attention. I commend you for talking about it. You already sound happier!

  5. I still feel traumatised by our infertility, the 5 hemorrhages, the running to hospitals/ emergency ob appts, the threatened late pregnancy loss, the horror of bedrest for months on end…all of it. I don’t think I’m depressed (I’ve had depression, this is different), but I do feel like the trauma is hard to get past.

  6. That totally makes sense. You have had a whirlwind of overwhelming events. Your feelings are totally normal and valid. I’m so glad you like your therapist! That’s definitely important. It sounds like you have a good plan and some great things to work on. I hope you start feeling a lot better soon. Antidepressants have helped my process immensely. A combination of therapy and meds can make a huge difference. Good luck hun!

  7. I haven’t been down the same path as you, but I still feel like I can relate.

    I’ve decided that TTC, loss, and having a baby are all huge life events. While you’re TTC you can be on cloud 9 one moment (thinking your pregnant) and devistated the next (when you realize you aren’t). Loss is just hard and my miscarriage is the worst loss I’ve had to process. And having a baby changes everything — you just don’t know in what ways until it’s here! As someone who doesn’t handle change well, these are all situations that have caused my mental and emotional state to be all over the map. I remember at my lowest point, I was getting up to nurse G at 2am and sobbing horrible sobs because I was miserable and I realized at that point I’d been miserable for two years.

    I recently got off my antidepressants and am seeing a therapist in order to try and figure out ways to process and manage my anxiety and anger without it. The antidepressants have been a HUGE help. I was seeing an awesome therapist and then I moved. No one in my new city seems to take my insurance and I don’t really like the one I’m seeing now (there is a lot more to the story about why I can’t find another one now, but I won’t go into that here). The fact you like your therapist and feel like she gets you is awesome! That makes SUCH a huge difference.

    My current therapist is hoping that if we can work on getting me happier then some of the issues my husband will turn around. I don’t want couples counseling (did it once, I’d prefer not to do it again), so I’m hoping she’s right. I have learned in the past that if I’m happy and confident then my relationship with Hubby is so much better. I just hope this therapist can help me out.

    I think there is a lot about the postpartum period people don’t talk about — especially when it comes to how parents feel after having a baby. And when you add in a more difficult journey to get there, everything seems more complicated. I applaud you for putting your experience out here for your readers to read.

  8. You are depressed because you have been in depressing circumstances. Being tired is a component of depression. Meds give you that 5 seconds of sanity to make choices to see a more positive world. Talk to the therapist about which ones might be appropriate and what the side effects can be.
    What you are doing and the approach you are taking of one step at a time and not jumping at the marital things is sensible. Sensible thinking will help get you to where you move out of depression.
    Your marital issues will then clarify and you will have the strength to make good choices and work to implement them what ever your decide they need to be. Your husband will hopefully see the person he fell in love with return and he will fall in love again and see what he wants to change in his life too and vice versa.
    Sharing about this in public cannot be easy. But there will be women who read it and find strength for their own lives. Feeling alone in all of this is not corrrect or helpful. Seeing your common humanity lets you also see your strength.
    You are VERY strong. You fight for what you want and for you child. You have done magnificently in the face of very hard and scary events. Let yourself hear and know and believe this. You can beat back depression and join back into a joyful life.
    Hugs from been there done that and there is sunshine again.

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