Effect of Children on Marriage

Psychology was my minor in college and so I often look at relationships and think about why they might succeed or fail. I now have two friends who separated from their husbands within one year of having their babies and are now divorced. I think before marriage and before kids, I would have wondered why they couldn’t make it work. I would have judged them.

Today, sitting on the other side of marriage and a baby. I get it. Marriage is hard enough without the stress of a baby. A baby is hard enough without everything else.

There have been times since giving birth that I’ve wondered why I married MH. I have thought about what it would be like to be a single mom. I don’t like the idea. It’s hard enough parenting with a partner. I can’t imagine really doing it on my own.

As much as I get annoyed with him and as much as we struggle, I need and want to make our marriage work. Not only for myself but also for our daughter. We have been doing marriage counseling a few times a month since January and it is helping a lot.

We continue to have a lot of work to do and I know that the road will not always be smooth but I hope that it won’t come to a point where we need to separate.

I could be wrong since I have never had a full term baby but I think the challenge of having a preemie adds to the stress of marriage. It is one of the reasons why we only want one child.

I get it though why those friends separated and then divorced. It would be much easier than to put the time and energy into it. There are days when I would much rather be on my own but I push those feelings aside and try to open myself to focusing on our marriage.

How do you refocus on your marriage and away from the stress of the baby? Did you have a preemie and do you think the stress is greater?

5 thoughts on “Effect of Children on Marriage

  1. I totally understand where you’re coming from and have oftentimes thought a lot of the same things. Although we don’t have a preemie, just a newborn, it’s still a lot of stress on us and our relationship. Sometimes I think about my little one and know that I want him to have both parents in his life, but on the condition that we provide a healthy, happy environment for him. Tomorrow will be better! You got married for a reason!

  2. As someone that is married, went to school to be a marriage and family counselor and a mom of a preemie…I feel I can weigh in here. 🙂

    The key to marriages working once you are at the counseling phase is the ability to forgive, forget, and start over. You can’t fix old wounds, you can’t unhurt feelings, and you can’t mend the pieces of your heart that are already broken. You can only look at each other with fresh eyes and hope that you can begin again with the love that brought you together. People rarely change but each person working on themselves can bring about understanding and forgiveness. 😉

    And I think raising a preemie can be harder, yes. My husband and I have gotten into many, many, many an argument about things that other parents have never even heard of. 🙂

    I wish you all the best of luck!

  3. I think it’s important to do things with your partner that aren’t about the baby. It’s hard enough with any newborn, let alone a preemie, but if you can leave your baby with someone you trust for even a short time while you and your husband have a little date (even a walk together or a quick coffee) it can help you remember that you’re a couple as well as parents.

  4. I’m glad you’re working on your marriage and I do think having a preemie makes things harder, absolutely. My husband and I are doing OK so far, but my biggest fear with having baby #3 is that it will be more than our marriage can handle…too much work and stress, not enough time for each other…just crossing my fingers that it will all work out. I have a friend who divorced and I think of her advice often, which is not to let your life become just taking care of the kids and all the other day-to-day things. If you don’t make time to be a couple and have fun, bad things can happen to your marriage, So I try really hard to give my husband my time and attention, even when the chores and errands have piled up…I honestly do feel like I’m never on top of things, and that’s hard (and a big reason for that is all the time I try to spend with my husband vs getting stuff done), but my marriage is in a good place and all that other stuff will get done eventually…

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