Is it post-partum depression?

I wrote about my struggles with MH not too long ago.  We spoke and I shared how I was feeling.  In some ways, things are better and in some ways things are not.

I have so much anger and resentment towards him.  I love MH but I really don’t like him very much – the things that irritated me about him before the baby are really angering me to the point that I question whether or not I can live with him for the rest of my life.  Could it be that I have post-partum depression and this is how it is manifesting?

We didn’t have a perfect marriage before Roo but it wasn’t like this…I’m worried and I’m tired.  I don’t like my husband right now.

What should I do?

11 thoughts on “Is it post-partum depression?

  1. One thing I do know is don’t make decisions when getting broken sleep in a hormone roller coaster!

    It isn’t necessarily PND to be short tempered and frustrated. On a life stressor scale, a new baby gets lots and lots of points… Change in social life, change in finances, loss of independence, change in sex life, you name it! So reacting to all that, perfectly normal, I say. It is hard not to resent the partner whose life DOESN’T CHANGE MUCH. He still goes to work, can still go out occasionally and go nuts with mates, day do day he probably does much the same as he WAS doing. And then there’s us. We lose out worklife, our bodies, our independence, our financial independence, our sleep, our ability to THINk, our emotional balance…seems bloody unfair to me! Seems a perfect recipe for resentment.

    BUT, some men change when their baby becomes a bit more interactive, less feeding crying sleeping lump, more little person. So WAIT. You prob should talk to a professional about how you feel, and they may provide strategies to help you work towards improved relations with MH. And you may find it comes naturally as he becomes more interactive with Roo and you can love him as the father of your child as well as loving him as a partner.

    I am lucky in that hub-in-boots has lifted his game incredibly with bub here, and I feel closer & stronger than ever with him…. But I think in that , we are in the minority. And there are still “I’d like to kill him” moments. My best advice is NEVER undermine his confidence with baby Roo… When stew asks “should I ….” about baby, I always say “oh, I don’t know, what do you think?”, even when I’d like to say do x, then y, then z. When he makes thr decisions, and is allowed to stuff up, and sometimes have the baby screaming (!!) his confidence with the baby grows, and he gets better at being a dad, and then WANTS to do more. Also, give them time ALONE. Send them out for a walk, or a drive , send them to a park & meet them in 20 minutes. Take an hour long soak in the bath and leave him to it. All of these things HELP, and when you see him coping, you love him that little bit more 🙂

  2. Is it worth speaking to a counsellor to explore what’s really behind these emotions to see if its permanent or a temporary sleep depravation emotion?

  3. I’m much in the same boat as you and it is frustrating. My guy still hasn’t changed a diaper!! He’s put one on after a bath, but not changed a dirty one. *sigh* I love the advice Ozifrog gave and I’m going to try and follow some of it myself. *hugs*

  4. Aww Michelle I am sorry you are dealing with this. I still get frustrated with my husband and cry sometimes. I feel like he doesn’t think my “job” is as hard as his and I asked him to help me more without being asked. They just don’t get it.
    I think it is very important to express your feelings to him. If you don’t think you can I would suggest going to some sort of counseling. The hard thing is you dealing with baby roo being a premie. I couldn’t imagine the extra stress you have to deal with. So many people say having a baby strengthens their marriage and I don’t always believe that (sometimes I do) having a kid adds so many layers of stress onto a relationship. And if it wasn’t super solid to begin with you could run into resentment issues. I get super jealous that my husband is able to leave for hours on end for work or if he wants he can go out to a bar with his friends alone. I never can do that. My whole world is theo.
    Just take a deep breathe and try and take some time for yourself. Have a bath (my saving grace) and a cup of tea alone every night while your husband takes care of roo.

    We all love you here and want you to be happy! Relationships change after a baby and if it’s for the worse you want to make sure its not from a miscommunication and resentment over lack of help.

  5. I agree with the advice to give him Roo for a few hours and take some time for yourself. Roo is his baby, too. One afternoon I left my husband with the babies (first time he had been alone with them!) for a doctors appt and to have lunch with a friend and I got a call while I was out to please come back ASAP haha. I think he knew how much work it was but didn’t KNOW until he had to do jt himself and really understood how all-encompassing child care really is. Let your husband have that experience… It might give him more empathy – as well as a better understanding of how to help you or what kind of support you may need. And it will also give you time to be an individual again, instead of half of a duo (you+Roo).

    I also really really suggest finding a counselor, either just for yourself or for both of you.


  6. Man, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! I think your feelings are warrented. It sounds like he really is being difficult. I see many ladies struggling with their men not helping enough & being irritating. A new baby adds so much to the mix. Not to mention everything you guys have had to deal with. I would definitely talk to someone before making any firm decisions. In the end, it is your choice and you should do what makes you happy ❤ xoxo

  7. Really great advice already, and I echo it. Also consider getting depression screenings done for both of you adults. It turns out that while I was sleep-deprived and mopey, the spouse developed PPD (during kid with colic 3 months of no sleep for anyone, then beyond). Mental health all around may be helped by just getting a decent night’s sleep, so see if you can recruit a night volunteer and let the volunteer take all baby duties for at least 6-8 hours. I was really lucky that we got to do this for a few days while family visited and it was crucial. Yes, I was uncomfortable in the morning after skipping nursing twice (ugh twice in 6 hours feedings…) but everyone was happier when we adults got some sleep. Hugs and good luck figuring everything out!

  8. This isn’t new advice, but I second those who suggested seeing a counselor. My husband and I separated briefly a few years ago. It was a time of major transition for both of us and we didn’t handle it well together. I really thought that was the end of us. But, sitting down with a third party who was able to help us identify our triggers and improve our communication was what saved us. We haven’t been to counseling in a couple of years, but we are still able to refer back to the lessons that we learned when we hit rocky times. Best of luck to you guys! 🙂

  9. First, *HUGS* Going through this sucks.

    I can relate to this post soo much right now! My husband and I have always had communication issues. I’m back to feeling the resentment and anger towards him I had right after having G and a lot of the time it’s the stupidest things that make me want to walk out and not come back. I flipped out last night because he wouldn’t wash G’s bottles and food containers after he did the other dishes. A minor thing, kinda, but I’ve been so quick to react lately. It was just one more thing *I* had to get done before I could go to bed and it made me mad.

    I think I may have mentioned before that I’ve been dealing with PPD and when I weaned myself off my meds a couple months ago I started having extreme anger and anxiety issues. I’ve been seeing a therapist who has been helping me see things from different perspectives. I’m back on the meds, with the goal that I will learn better ways of channeling my anger when I wean back off them. Apparently my anger is a result of my anxiety and PPD because I don’t know how to deal with either without meds at the moment.

    I’m not saying you need meds, but I wanted to share my story. Anger *can* be a result of PPD, but it might be something else if there are other things going on. I agree with everyone else’s advice of seeing a counselor. They can help you figure out if your anger and resentment is part of PPD/PPA or something else. They can also try and help you figure things out, help you put things in different perspectives, figure out different ways in communicating with MH, and maybe even give you pointers on how to turn the anger/resentment into something more positive.

    you’re in my thoughts!

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