Confession about Marriage

I have a confession. I’m not feeling very happy in my marriage. I love MH but there are more days than not that I feel like I could do this parenting thing better on my own.

I feel horrible admitting that “out loud” but it’s how I feel.

The truth is that he hasn’t touched me since I had the baby. I realize that it’s been tough since she was born for us to have any private, intimate moments but he’s made no effort. I’ve raised the topic and he always comes up with an excuse. I touch him every day with a hug or a kiss but it is me reaching out. I want to know that my husband still desires me and I don’t necessarily know that he does.

I also feel like he is afraid of Roo. Afraid that he is going to break her and so he is hesitant/reluctant to take the lead with her. He is lacking in confidence even though he is so great and gentle with her. It is so frustrating to me because I want him to be able to take over when my parents are gone. I want to be confident that I can leave her with him on their own so I can get things done. But I’m not. He isn’t showing me that he is willing or ready.

It pisses me off that he still comes to bed late that he does pretty much everything that he did before the baby arrived. He comes to bed late and reads when I’m sleeping with the baby. He watched sports and sits on his laptop when he could be helping with the baby and/or doing stuff to help out around the house.

I’m just irritated. MH is a great guy but these past few months has made me look at him with new eyes and I don’t necessarily like what I see.

To be fair, I might have high and unrealistic expectations of him. But we talked and dreamed about what life was going to be like after she was born and he just isn’t managing to meet even half of what we talked about. On weekends, he only cares about getting HIS errands run and going to the gym. It takes him hours to run to the dry cleaner and the gym. It pisses me off. I’ve asked him to not take as long but he never manages to do so.

A friend with twin boys and a new daughter told me that she felt that in her circle of friends that couples either felt their marriages got stronger after a baby or failed and divorced within a couple of years.

I don’t want to get divorced and I love MH but if things don’t change. I think we will have a very unhappy marriage. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he doesn’t seem to think there is a problem that requires anything more than time to help us. I beg to differ but every time I try to talk to him about it he gets mad at me. So I don’t talk about it and I’m feeling more and more resentful of him.

What do I do? How do I change this?

(Yes, I know everything is worse in the middle of the night but…)

10 thoughts on “Confession about Marriage

  1. It may be scary because Roo is still so little but maybe its time to put her with a sitter for a few hours so you all can have some alone time to either have a seriously good talk or at the very least, a date night. Next time you talk to him, don’t let him avoid answering the question. I can’t imagine what you’re going through because my baby hasnt arrived yet, but your marriage is worth fighting for, right? Times might be tough for a bit while you figure out how to be married with a baby, but you CAN figure it out and you will get through this.

    If talking to him doesn’t help, maybe you could write him a letter or have him read this blog. I sometimes write to my husband when I’m really frustrated and I feel like things aren’t getting through. That way neither of us can get defensive and we have each had time to cool off and the lines of communication seem to open up even more. Im sorry you have to go through this but you are a strong woman and you can make it!!!

  2. My husband is still not 100% intimate with me. Mainly for two reasons, a he watched the WHOLE thing so downstairs doesn’t hold the same allure it once did and b I am still carrying 7kg and yes I know I was pregnant but I am a bit tubby at the moment. I am not offended I put on too much weight!

    On the other stuff it’s hard. Sometimes men are so used to be the centre of our lives they really struggle that they are taking a back seat others still have a traditional view. If you feel confident enough start leaving bubs with him for small periods ao e starts bonding and getting an idea of what it takes to look after a baby

    Hugs, sleep depravation is a killer xx

  3. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you brought up the subject of seeing a marriage counselor? Even if he doesn’t want to go, you could go by yourself if you want to give that a try. They can help you with different ways to try to talk, ask him questions or explain your own feelings to him.

    I also second writing him a letter. If you do that, I recommend listing your requirements for him reading before you get into actual issues, like having an open mind, thinking about what you’re saying without making excuses for his behavior, willingness to set a specific time to discuss your issues, or understanding that this is an explanation of how you feel, not an attack on him.

    I hope things start to get better for you, and soon. *hugs*

  4. aw, *hugs* I can so relate to some of this! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to yell at my husband for watching TV or playing on the phone, or sleeping when he could be helping me with G. I’ve also had my doubts about whether or not our marriage can survive children. Everything is different now.

    I haven’t been intimate with my husband since we conceived G (he’s now 6 months old). Some days it makes me sad. Hubby gets up really early and is in bed the same time as G, so I don’t feel like I have time to have a conversation with him, let alone anything else. I initiate most of the kisses and hugs, and I’m right there with you in just wanting to know my husband still finds me desireable. Mostly because I don’t find myself desireable at the moment.

    Here’s my advice (and a lot of it I’ve just started figuring out I need to do and I’m going to try and do these things myself):

    If you’re up for leaving the baby for a couple of hours, maybe with your parents before they leave, then I really recommend a date. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, though I’d try and make it un-baby related. I’m going to start trying to do this once a month with my husband. I miss it just being the two of us and it’s hard to reconnect when there is a baby demanding attention.

    Also, you say he’s great with Roo, just doesn’t seem to have the confidence. Maybe try letting him know how great he is when he’s with her if you haven’t already? This is something I’ve lacked doing, but need to do more of.

    I would keep trying to talk to your husband, and I third the letter! One thing having a baby is teaching me is that no one can read my mind. If I don’t speak up I’m only hurting myself more. This one isn’t easy for me to do, ever. I’ve done the letter thing a couple of times in the past and it helped.

    I will say that as G has gotten older, my husband seems more willing to interact with him now that he is more active and does more than lay around staring at the ceiling. Maybe as Roo gets older MH will start being more proactive? (not that he should get away with waiting it out though.)

    I hope things get better very soon!

  5. You’ve gotten a lot of great advice so far but here’s one more thing I’d add that I had to learn the hard way. I’m REALLY bad at asking for help (perhaps it’s admitting I can’t do it all on my own) so I had to learn that my husband was not going to just jump up and help the way I wanted him too. I wanted him to just know when I needed help or a break, to know that him cleaning up something or putting away the computer was something I needed so badly from him….but he didn’t get it. Once I started specifically asking him things–can you take care of X, Y and Z today for me please? Or–when you’re done running errands, I would like for you to take Roo so I can go X. Once I started being more specific (ooh, especially the time I told him how much I hated washing all the daycare bottles at the end of the night and he started doing that while I was putting LM down), he understood more of what I needed and it opened up the lines of communication. It was HARD for me to ask and lay it out there, but in the end, it makes you a better mom and him a better dad.

    It also may help when your parents are gone as he may feel like you have enough help right now and don’t “need” him.

  6. I really admire you sharing so much with us *hugs* I’ve heard of a lot of ladies feeling this way when there’s a new baby. I don’t blame you for being upset with him. Guys seem so clueless sometimes!! I think your expectations are very reasonable. I know I’d be frustrated. Maybe if you sit down and have a really serious talk with him, and let him know all your feelings (and ask him to share his), that it might help. I’m sorry you guys are going through this. I pray it gets better for you. We are here for you! xo

  7. I agree with those who said to give him specific tasks. It can be exhausting, and you’d much rather him know what to do (or try to think of stuff to do) rather than order him around, but he clearly isn’t imagining what kinds of things he can do on his own.

    In any case, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have any suggestions based on experience. I hope somehow the lines of communication are opened again so you can really figure out what is going on.


  8. OMG! I could have written this post (except the gym & dry cleaners part) and have been thinking about it but I’m too scared to get negative comments as I already know how unfair the situation is at the moment. I do get hugs and some quick kisses, but there is still enough frustration and unhappiness.
    I hope for both our sakes something gets worked on and maybe even solved

  9. I have heard a lot of my friends say that first time dads are the worst – and have seen it too. They don’t know what to do with baby, don’t try, are used to having their own time and just continue to – etc. But I have also heard and seen that it gets better. I have seen them become much more involved once that little person starts recognizing them and needing them like they need you. And then come baby #2 they are a whole different – attentative daddy. I am sure he will get there. As for the relationship between the two of you, I guess all you can do is ask. Jump him and rip the band-aid off…’s amazing how those things just get too far gone and let go of, but once you start back up it becomes easy again. Good luck, I am sure you guys can ride through this – you have survived so so much.

  10. I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Sounds really, really hard. Not sure I have any advice because I think me and my husband fall into the “our marriage is stronger” camp (I feel like I sound smug saying that…but don’t mean it that way.) I will tell you that he left our bed for the guest room about halfway through my pregnancy (I wasn’t sleeping well/was waking him up and he was very frank about not being attracted to my pregnant body…said with love though…) and still isn’t back…he often takes one or both of the babies at night and thinks its easier to take them into the guest room. We are intimate at other times, but I do miss sleeping with him. I’m pretty confident he’ll be back to our bed once the babies start sleeping through the night…
    Anyway, good luck to you and lots of hugs…

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