I can’t quite believe that Madeleine was born just on Thursday. I’m so in love with her and it breaks my heart to leave her every night at the hospital.
I’m overwhelmed by the tide of emotions that comes with being a mother. The joy and intense love is incredible. The fear and exhaustion in frightening. I know that I’m extra hormonal these days but it is still hard nonetheless.
I feel so much more now for moms who don’t get to go home with their babies at all. I’m lucky because I know my baby will come home with me eventually – hopefully sooner than later! But, there are so many who go home empty handed. What I’m experiencing isn’t even close to the same but I’m going through the rough part of this roller coaster. And, I know that it will continue.
Roo is doing well but is currently under the bili (?) lights as she is jaundiced. Apparently, this is quite common in babies of this gestational age. It means that we cannot hold her as much as we want to for a few days, which makes me sad and she frustrated because she loves to be held.
I’m struggling with pumping. It is hard to pump on an every 3 hour schedule without your baby there. It is hard to pump when your body isn’t ready. My breasts are becoming engorged as they struggle to figure out what the hell is going on. I worry that it won’t work or my body wot produce what it needs to and I really want it to work. I hope I can do this!! I won’t give up! I need to see a lactation consultant soon.
I have developed an intense jealousy of women who get to take their babies hone with them. It is so irrational. I know. I just can’t help myself. I know that Roo is in the best place for her situation but it still sucks for me. I miss her more than I ever imagined.
I’m exhausted. I wake up and go to the hospital. I spend a few hours there and then come home and try to get things done here. My mom is here which is awesome but she can drive me a little nuts.
I am feeling robbed of the rest of my pregnancy. I’m feeling robbed of the birth experience I thought I would get. I’m feeling robbed of the newborn experience that I though MH and I would have with Roo if she were full term. I’m even feeling robbed of the last week and a half to two weeks of pregnancy that I thought we would have…so dumb, I know. I’m lucky. Roo is healthy and will soon be a happy baby girl at home. I know. I’m thankful and grateful. I recognize it and don’t take it for granted.
Thanks for letting me vent. I promise to write Roo’s birth story soon. It was a quick one so won’t take long just so focused on the now these days….
I can’t wait to see my little girl in a few hours!!