Day 3/4 NICU

I can’t quite believe that Madeleine was born just on Thursday. I’m so in love with her and it breaks my heart to leave her every night at the hospital.

I’m overwhelmed by the tide of emotions that comes with being a mother. The joy and intense love is incredible. The fear and exhaustion in frightening. I know that I’m extra hormonal these days but it is still hard nonetheless.

I feel so much more now for moms who don’t get to go home with their babies at all. I’m lucky because I know my baby will come home with me eventually – hopefully sooner than later! But, there are so many who go home empty handed. What I’m experiencing isn’t even close to the same but I’m going through the rough part of this roller coaster. And, I know that it will continue.

Roo is doing well but is currently under the bili (?) lights as she is jaundiced. Apparently, this is quite common in babies of this gestational age. It means that we cannot hold her as much as we want to for a few days, which makes me sad and she frustrated because she loves to be held.

I’m struggling with pumping. It is hard to pump on an every 3 hour schedule without your baby there. It is hard to pump when your body isn’t ready. My breasts are becoming engorged as they struggle to figure out what the hell is going on. I worry that it won’t work or my body wot produce what it needs to and I really want it to work. I hope I can do this!! I won’t give up! I need to see a lactation consultant soon.

I have developed an intense jealousy of women who get to take their babies hone with them. It is so irrational. I know. I just can’t help myself. I know that Roo is in the best place for her situation but it still sucks for me. I miss her more than I ever imagined.

I’m exhausted. I wake up and go to the hospital. I spend a few hours there and then come home and try to get things done here. My mom is here which is awesome but she can drive me a little nuts.

I am feeling robbed of the rest of my pregnancy. I’m feeling robbed of the birth experience I thought I would get. I’m feeling robbed of the newborn experience that I though MH and I would have with Roo if she were full term. I’m even feeling robbed of the last week and a half to two weeks of pregnancy that I thought we would have…so dumb, I know. I’m lucky. Roo is healthy and will soon be a happy baby girl at home. I know. I’m thankful and grateful. I recognize it and don’t take it for granted.

Thanks for letting me vent. I promise to write Roo’s birth story soon. It was a quick one so won’t take long just so focused on the now these days….

I can’t wait to see my little girl in a few hours!!


7 thoughts on “Day 3/4 NICU

  1. These all sound like natural and normal feelings to have. Not only did your pregnancy end early but you spent the last couple of weeks on bed rest. And then you don’t get to snuggle Roo right away. It’s hard, and it sounds like you’re doing the best you can πŸ™‚

  2. These are all normal feelings. Ant was on the NICU for just over a week because of his blood sugar issues. Pumping in my milk supply was frustrating but I did it and it was so worth it. Keep doing wagging you are doing and also try some hand expression of milk. I also recommend finding a great LC ASAP. The sooner you get help the better. If you have more pumping questions just email me. I was the pumping pro.

  3. Roo is adorable!! I’m so glad she’s healthy πŸ™‚

    What you’re feeling is exactly how I felt when Baby G was born. I felt robbed of several things too. He was jaundiced and was septic, so he was in the NICU for four days. I’d had visions of being discharged at the hospital with him, and I felt like a piece was missing when I left. It’s horrible leaving the hospital with no baby and I can only imagine it being 1000x worse for those who don’t have a baby who will eventually go home too. I hated not being able to hold Baby G when I wanted to and breastfeeding was a horrible experience because he was beyond hungry by the time we got him unhooked from monitors to eat. After I was discharged we got up early to spend the day at the hospital; I was exhausted from little sleep before labor and labor itself and having to pump every 3-4 hours at night and wee hours of the morning so I could do what you’re doing — trying to get my milk to come in, and be able to give Baby G what I could pump.

    Baby G is three months old and I’m only just getting around to telling his birth story. I’m having to do it in parts because of everything that happened that week. I want to make sure I don’t leave anything out and it is harder to sit down and blog when you have a baby who loves your attention πŸ™‚

  4. The bili lights are to deal with excess bilirubin. You get it when premi as bilirubin builds up when red blood cells breakdown, but their liver can’t process it & shed it like ours.The lights help the body eliminate the bilirubin, which isn’t good for bub if it builds up.

    I am so surprised you are home already, it’s a lot to cope with without the support of hospital staff 24/7. You are doing really well.

    I know it’s different, but even when we were faced w losing gumby, I couldn’t get past my anger & loss at not having a ‘normal’ pregnancy and possibly birth. We were told pre term birth was very likely, as was loss. I think it’s a major loss, not getting the birth you envisioned. Its a complex emotional thing. Two things: write it all down & talk to a professional soon as a priority, (even phone counselling) as this is a real loss you need to mourn. Name it, acknowledge it, and sit with it. It is not selfish, it is not silly. Addressing this is actually quite important for your ongoing health & breast feeding .

    Re the pumping, I’ve read sometimes having something that smells of your bub can help?? It would be such hard work ,& you’re doing really well to give her this start. Thinking of you and Roo. You’re doing so well.

  5. Madeleine is beautiful and I love her name. I am so happy for you! Holy moly. I think ozifrog is right on – talk to someone, acknowledge your feelings, they are totally valid and the better you deal with them now, the more energy you’ll have for all that is coming your way when Roo comes home to take things over. You are doing exactly what you need to do…you have all the strength and love you need inside you. Don’t forget to acknowledge the good things that are happening right now too. HUGS to you and your sweet family πŸ™‚

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