I haven’t had insomnia since I came to the hospital. I think mainly because I’ve been so emotionally exhausted and because I’ve pushed through it with MH sleeping in the bed next to me. At home, I’d just go to a different room. I have no choice here though I’m tempted to go hang out with the nurses.
Being up in the middle of the night almost always awakens all of my fears. I start to think about things and then I overanalyze and then my mind turns and turns.
Right now, I’m scared of pretty much everything. I realized that I tend to go to the negative when I’m in my own head. I create scary scenarios. I won’t go into them but an example might be that MH is taking longer to walk to the hospital after work and so I start to worry that he is getting robbed or got hit by a car or something wacky that could happen but is highly unlikely. I don’t know why I do it to myself.
It really only happens during stressful times like this. I think it is because my anxiety level is so high right now. I’m also a type A control freak and for the moment, I have NO control at all! I have no control over my body – I can’t even stop the fluid from leaking 24/7. I can’t control whether or not I feel Roo move. I can’t control the contractions. I have no control.
It’s very hard for me. But it might be a lesson for me as I suspect motherhood is very much not having control in the sense that I want it!! This is my first lesson in motherhood patience.
Here is what I’m scared of right now:
Epidural (my original plan had been to go without drugs all the way but I think I’ve been through enough and don’t need to prove anything to anyone, so I’m giving myself permission to ask for the epidural if I change my mind)
Not knowing how to care for Roo
Being afraid of her preemie body and how delicate she might be or at least how I perceive her to be
Post-partum depression – I will not be eating or encapsulating Roo’s placenta but I will take medication if I need to help depression 🙂 no judgement!
….I won’t go on…
I’m just overwhelmed. I can’t even think of reading the books to help me. I don’t know why. It would be the perfect way to spend my time here but I can’t. I avoid it. I’m reading “beach” book, which is fun but so far from a new parent book! I might be in denial…or I’m just scared and avoiding it!
I honestly feel like a good cry right now but I know it would be the ugly cry (lol) and I don’t want to wake MH!
Having our baby this early isn’t part of my plan! I want more time to emotionally and literally get ready for her! Maybe this is a sign that I’m too selfish for a baby? This isn’t about me right now, right? This is about doing what is best for Roo and her health. But it makes me mad. It frustrates me. It saddens me.
I’ll wait until its daylight when things aren’t as scary and dark. I know it will be ok. I’m going to be a great mama and MH is going to be a wonderful daddy! I will just try to imagine MH holding Roo close to his chest and let that carry me back into sleep. It will all be more than ok. It is going to be amazing!!
I’m going to be a mommy in 15 days or less!!! This is a dream that will come true for me. One that I’ve had since I was a little girl pretending to be a mommy! I had better get excited…!
Good night again, friends! Thanks for letting me journal and get my thoughts out!