Middle of the night fears


I haven’t had insomnia since I came to the hospital. I think mainly because I’ve been so emotionally exhausted and because I’ve pushed through it with MH sleeping in the bed next to me. At home, I’d just go to a different room. I have no choice here though I’m tempted to go hang out with the nurses.

Being up in the middle of the night almost always awakens all of my fears. I start to think about things and then I overanalyze and then my mind turns and turns.

Right now, I’m scared of pretty much everything. I realized that I tend to go to the negative when I’m in my own head. I create scary scenarios. I won’t go into them but an example might be that MH is taking longer to walk to the hospital after work and so I start to worry that he is getting robbed or got hit by a car or something wacky that could happen but is highly unlikely. I don’t know why I do it to myself.

It really only happens during stressful times like this. I think it is because my anxiety level is so high right now. I’m also a type A control freak and for the moment, I have NO control at all! I have no control over my body – I can’t even stop the fluid from leaking 24/7. I can’t control whether or not I feel Roo move. I can’t control the contractions. I have no control.

It’s very hard for me. But it might be a lesson for me as I suspect motherhood is very much not having control in the sense that I want it!! This is my first lesson in motherhood patience.

Here is what I’m scared of right now:
Labor

Tearing

Losing Roo…

Epidural (my original plan had been to go without drugs all the way but I think I’ve been through enough and don’t need to prove anything to anyone, so I’m giving myself permission to ask for the epidural if I change my mind)

Not knowing how to care for Roo

Being afraid of her preemie body and how delicate she might be or at least how I perceive her to be

Post-partum depression – I will not be eating or encapsulating Roo’s placenta but I will take medication if I need to help depression 🙂 no judgement!

Breast feeding

….I won’t go on…

I’m just overwhelmed. I can’t even think of reading the books to help me. I don’t know why. It would be the perfect way to spend my time here but I can’t. I avoid it. I’m reading “beach” book, which is fun but so far from a new parent book! I might be in denial…or I’m just scared and avoiding it!

I honestly feel like a good cry right now but I know it would be the ugly cry (lol) and I don’t want to wake MH!

Having our baby this early isn’t part of my plan! I want more time to emotionally and literally get ready for her! Maybe this is a sign that I’m too selfish for a baby? This isn’t about me right now, right? This is about doing what is best for Roo and her health. But it makes me mad. It frustrates me. It saddens me.

I’ll wait until its daylight when things aren’t as scary and dark. I know it will be ok. I’m going to be a great mama and MH is going to be a wonderful daddy! I will just try to imagine MH holding Roo close to his chest and let that carry me back into sleep. It will all be more than ok. It is going to be amazing!!

I’m going to be a mommy in 15 days or less!!! This is a dream that will come true for me. One that I’ve had since I was a little girl pretending to be a mommy! I had better get excited…!

Good night again, friends! Thanks for letting me journal and get my thoughts out!

Xo,
Michelle

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6 thoughts on “Middle of the night fears

  1. I think I can help with some of that. Being in the NICU is like getting the fabled parenting book no one else has. You will have access to so many super knowledgable people. At your fingertips. I felt 1000 times more comfortable taking my preemie baby home from the nicu than I think I would have felt taking a full term baby home right after birth. Obviously, I wouldn’t with for preterm labor, but if it happens, and your baby is healthy and able to thrive, it’s not so bad. She will be small. You will be nervous the first time you hold her. But then you’ll be fine. I don’t mean to sound as if the nicu is a cake walk. It is definitely not. It’s hard. But there are positives to it too. The help and knowledge of the staff, getting to recover without the demands of your newborn at home, easing in to new parenthood, etc. You will be ok, you all will. It’s always darkest before the dawn. The nights are the worst, you are right. Hang in there. What you are doing is really hard. Give yourself permission to struggle. And be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.

  2. Middle of the night thoughts are the worst! Your fears are completely justified, but then again, unfounded. Whenever my mind starts to wander like that, I force myself to see logic. I hope that the morning light helps you remember some wonderful things…

    Labor is scary, but you’ve already experienced bits and pieces of it and have survived! Drugs will only make it easier (in my opinion.) You don’t have to go through natural labor to be a hero. From what I know, tearing is unpredictable, but fixable. And from what I can gather, if she comes early, there may be less of a risk of that since she would be smaller. I get your fears though, because I am petite like you and I have fears that my baby “won’t fit.” But if anything goes wrong, you’re in the best place to receive the help that you need. I think very few people know what they’re doing with breastfeeding, but there will be someone at the hospital to help. Also, I just know Roo is a strong little girl. But you are just as strong of a woman! Seeing her preemie body might be scary, but at almost 33 weeks, she could be a lot worse. But your instincts will take over and you will know how to care for her. The nurses at the hospital will make sure you at least know how to feed, change, and swaddle her before you take her home. And post-partum depression is a scary thought, but also unpredictable. The good news is that it doesn’t last forever.

    You will do great. But you have certainly been through a lot and a good, ugly cry is warranted, and all of your feelings are legit! But you are so strong! Don’t forget that! 🙂

  3. I have pretty bad anxiety, and I do the same things! It’s like my thoughts go in a downward spiral. I can get in a pretty anxious, negative state. I understand your fears. It’s good to let it all out. One thing I’ve found to be helpful is reading and keeping my mind occupied….although when it’s a really stressful time, it’s hard to do anything. Big hugs to you sweetie! Keep hanging in there. You’re going to be an awesome mommy, and I know everything will work out. Just a little longer and you’ll feel much better. xoxo

  4. I hate being up in the middle of the night with only my brain to keep me company, because I do this. The anxiety spiral really gets out of control.

    All of your fears sound normal, especially not feeling “ready.” Well, I don’t think anyone really feels ready, even when the baby is full term, so how could you be ready so many weeks before you even thought you had a chance of meeting Roo?

  5. Those middle of the night fears are the worst…I have them too. And the irrational stuff like if my husband is late coming home from a walk I think he’s died somehow…ugh…so unrealistic!
    I think all your fears are totally normal…but you will do great and Roo is going to do great, changes are so, so good.
    SOmething my mom said to me when I was still pregnant…she told me to put down the baby books because they tell you how to care for the baby but they also talk about bad/challenging things that could happen…I was imagining all that could go wrong (eg with breastfeeding) and she said, you know, when you are breastfeeding you can deal with any challenges you have…you don’t need to figure out all the worst case scenarios ahead of time. So I guess what I’m saying is it’s good that you are not reading the baby books. 🙂
    BTW, my mom was a nurse in the NICU her whole career…she and her nurse friends, so sweet and caring, and especially seeing how she takes care of my babies now…I think those NICU nurses are angels and if little Roo ends up there she will be so well taken care of.
    Hope you are feeling better today!
    XOXO

  6. Oh, I’m so sorry to read you are in hospital on bedrest already, must be so scary. The nights are worst when worrying, I totally agree. Hoping for a safe delivery and that little Roo will keep growing for as long as possible before it’s time.

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