Can’t sleep and nervous


It wasn’t supposed to happen this way, right?! Roo is supposed to stay inside me until early August. That would give us two months to prepare for her arrival. Not just physically like her nursery, my hospital bag, take a birthing class, etc., but also emotionally.

I’m sad because I wanted to do a maternity shoot – not sure that can happen for obvious reasons. I wanted to have one last trip with MH, we were going to go to Vancouver this weekend – hotel has been cancelled. We wanted to see some movies and go out to dinner – well that can still be done but only from the “comfort of my bed.”

I wanted to read some books about labor and delivery and find books about breast feeding. I guess I can go online and order those books.

There’s a lot I want to do and now I can’t. It’s ok. I’ll get over it.

I’m feeling good still. Yesterday was uneventful. Roo had good heart rates. I had lots of little contractions but I only felt a handful of them. I stayed in bed all day long. I slept, read, talked to friends on the phone.

I’m sad. I’m missing out on some of my pregnancy. Is that dumb to say! Especially since I’ve not enjoyed being pregnant. Is it my punishment? I’m angry that I told people I wouldn’t be sad if Roo arrived early but I meant only by one or two weeks. This is too early.

Can I handle it? Yes. Am I scared? Yes. Can I do it? Yes. Will she be ok? Yes, I think so.

This is hard. Like infertility, miscarriage, troubles trying to conceive, all of which seem to have been dropped into my lap, pPROM is one more challenge that I can face. I hope that like those other three, I come out smiling in spite of the hurdles and challenges. I want to come out smiling. I know I will come out smiling.

Now, I’d better get some more sleep. Thanks for letting me vent and “journal” a bit here.

Xo,
Michelle

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5 thoughts on “Can’t sleep and nervous

  1. It’s hard when your expectations don’t match your experience, in falling pregnant, in staying pregnant, in preparing for birth, in birth. I get that. Been there, done that, got the t shirt. But I guess what I’ve found is that there have been other positive outcomes that I could not have anticipated. Better, in a way, than what I’d planned. So I guess create what experiences you can from your bed, and be open to what ever else comes your way. Like the knitting group! I’ve loved learning to knit since my bedrest stint.

    I pretty much missed my second trimester…so the joy of looking forward to an actual baby has been very short; instead we were living in fear of losing one, and the pregnancy was a day by day proposition.

    SO, what I’m trying to say is yes, it isn’t what you pictured, and that is a loss that you should recognise, and you will and should mourn. It’s important you recognise it and name it as such. But you and Roo will be ok, and good things will come from this.

  2. Taking it in day by day is the only way. No planning. I took my pregnancy week by week, day by day, minute by minute. Don’t be hard on yourself. You just focus on your baby to hold on until it is time. The rest is not important. I hope you will be able to get some solid sleep. xxx

  3. I would feel like I was missing out on a huge piece of pregnancy, too. 😦 I agree, allow yourself to mourn what you are losing, or else you won’t be able to move on an be excited about what is happening.

  4. Everything you’re feeling is normal and completely allowed! It seems to me that by expressing this and letting it out, you’re dealing with these feelings in a healthy way, and will be able to move on and accept everything a lot easier than if you’d bottled them up.
    You’re being so brave and strong and I commend that! I also think your little Roo will feed off of your strength, so keep doing what you’re doing!

  5. Wow. Great post, and very moving. You’ve made me realize that, although I never took for granted what it would take to get pregnant and stay pregnant long enough to have a healthy baby, I have totally taken for granted what it is to even just have that baby in there long enough to do all those fun things (that I am also hoping to do!) I appreciate the honesty. And I agree…you are so brave! You definitely have a right to what you’re feeling and you’ve touched my heart too! I’m so thankful that you’ve come as far as you have, but of course, I hope that precious little one holds on! I am sure she is going to be one healthy, happy baby! (And of course, SO LOVED!)

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