The following is a commentary (my opinion and thoughts) on being pregnant in the first trimester after dealing with a loss and unexplained infertility, which may or may not have been caused by diminished ovarian reserve and/or elevated natural killer cells. I realize that my thoughts might offend or turn people off but as I’ve said before, this blog is my journal. My outlet. I need it for my good mental health.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mother. When I was little, I would pretend that I was pregnant and put pillows under my shirt for a fake baby bump! I couldn’t wait to get pregnant (though I avoided it like crazy before I got married!).
I was thrilled when I got a positive pregnancy test in December of 2010 and then shortly after was devastated to learn that I was miscarrying our first little one. The doctors told me that “women are extra fertile after a miscarriage, so we’ll see you back here again soon!” Boy were they wrong.
It took a year and MANY tests, procedures and tears before we got another positive pregnancy test. I was lucky though. I miraculously fell pregnant naturally after two medicated IUI cycles and before moving onto IVF. I was incredibly lucky and don’t take any of this for granted.
I held my breath though. I watched obsessively for signs of impending miscarriage: spotting, bleeding, cramping. Nothing except for some minor cramping. I checked my body for pregnancy symptoms daily: tender boobs, thirst, increased CM, etc. Yup! They were there.
I was lucky and I continue to be lucky!
Around seven weeks, I thought I was one of the few who didn’t get morning sickness. Boy was I wrong! Knock-on-wood at nearly 12 weeks, I have not yet vomited, but I have had extreme nausea. I thought it was getting better and it is – I used to feel nauseated pretty much all day long but now it starts around 3pm through bedtime. Morning sickness in my case was definitely all day sickness and now afternoon and evening sickness.
I’m a petite woman. I’m 5’1″ and at my first OB appointment I weighed less than 110 pounds but more than 100 pounds. So you can imagine a petite person with a small frame. Starting around 8 or 9 weeks, I started to feel something – my uterus? some other internal organ? – in my belly that feels “odd.” I can tell that something is in my belly that wasn’t there before. I have NO idea exactly what it is but guess it is probably my uterus. It feels strange and uncomfortable.
My emotions are out of control. I’ve bitten off MH’s head more than once in the past couple of months. The poor guy doesn’t know who he’s coming home to some nights and I don’t blame him for working late when he does. I hope that as my hormones even out that I have more self-control and feel less depressed and anxious.
Being pregnant in the first trimester is not what I envisioned. I’m wondering when I’ll start to glow!? I’m wondering when those feelings of wonder and awe of being pregnant will kick in?! I’m wondering when I will start to fully enjoy being pregnant?! I’m hoping that there will be a time when I enjoy feeling my growing uterus and baby in my body! I hope that I can go back to the happy, loving wife that I used to be.
I am not complaining. Ok, maybe I am complaining just a little but more so I’m hoping and wondering when pregnancy will turn into a completely enjoyable experience for me. It took us a lot to get to this point and I’m so grateful, thankful and feeling blesses but hope that at some point I can enjoy being pregnant. The first trimester has been a roller coaster of a ride – it’s not over yet and I’m looking forward moving quickly towards the second and the third trimesters! (On a side note: I do not take any of this for granted and I embrace each “side effect” of pregnancy whole-heartedly).
I continue to read many of the blogs that I read before I got pregnant. It breaks my heart to know that women who were dealing with infertility before me continue to deal with it. I hurt for them like they hurt for me when I was struggling. I know that many of them, if they read me before may not be reading now and I understand. As I progress with this pregnancy, I realize that while I want to continue to support them I also need to start incorporating new blogs into my daily RSS feed. I need to start reading some pregnancy blogs – those who are experiencing pregnancy at the same time as me and blogs of women who have been there before me. I don’t want to leave people behind because the infertility community embraced me during my time of need and support. I will continue to support by reading but I think I will stop commenting out of sensitivity to those who might feel upset by a now pregnant woman commenting…I know how hard and sad it might feel. If I still have followers who continue to live with infertility and continue to comment on my blog I will feel more comfortable commenting back on their blogs. I hope makes sense.