Observations from the First Trimester

The following is a commentary (my opinion and thoughts) on being pregnant in the first trimester after dealing with a loss and unexplained infertility, which may or may not have been caused by diminished ovarian reserve and/or elevated natural killer cells.  I realize that my thoughts might offend or turn people off but as I’ve said before, this blog is my journal.  My outlet.  I need it for my good mental health.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mother.  When I was little, I would pretend that I was pregnant and put pillows under my shirt for a fake baby bump!  I couldn’t wait to get pregnant (though I avoided it like crazy before I got married!).

I was thrilled when I got a positive pregnancy test in December of 2010 and then shortly after was devastated to learn that I was miscarrying our first little one.  The doctors told me that “women are extra fertile after a miscarriage, so we’ll see you back here again soon!”  Boy were they wrong.

It took a year and MANY tests, procedures and tears before we got another positive pregnancy test.  I was lucky though.  I miraculously fell pregnant naturally after two medicated IUI cycles and before moving onto IVF.  I was incredibly lucky and don’t take any of this for granted.

I held my breath though.  I watched obsessively for signs of impending miscarriage: spotting, bleeding, cramping.  Nothing except for some minor cramping.  I checked my body for pregnancy symptoms daily: tender boobs, thirst, increased CM, etc.  Yup!  They were there.

I was lucky and I continue to be lucky!

Around seven weeks, I thought I was one of the few who didn’t get morning sickness.  Boy was I wrong!  Knock-on-wood at nearly 12 weeks, I have not yet vomited, but I have had extreme nausea.  I thought it was getting better and it is – I used to feel nauseated pretty much all day long but now it starts around 3pm through bedtime.  Morning sickness in my case was definitely all day sickness and now afternoon and evening sickness.

I’m a petite woman.  I’m 5’1″ and at my first OB appointment I weighed less than 110 pounds but more than 100 pounds.  So you can imagine a petite person with a small frame.  Starting around 8 or 9 weeks, I started to feel something – my uterus?  some other internal organ? – in my belly that feels “odd.”  I can tell that something is in my belly that wasn’t there before.  I have NO idea exactly what it is but guess it is probably my uterus.  It feels strange and uncomfortable.

My emotions are out of control.  I’ve bitten off MH’s head more than once in the past couple of months.  The poor guy doesn’t know who he’s coming home to some nights and I don’t blame him for working late when he does.  I hope that as my hormones even out that I have more self-control and feel less depressed and anxious.

Being pregnant in the first trimester is not what I envisioned.  I’m wondering when I’ll start to glow!?  I’m wondering when those feelings of wonder and awe of being pregnant will kick in?!  I’m wondering when I will start to fully enjoy being pregnant?!  I’m hoping that there will be a time when I enjoy feeling my growing uterus and baby in my body!  I hope that I can go back to the happy, loving wife that I used to be.

I am not complaining.  Ok, maybe I am complaining just a little but more so I’m hoping and wondering when pregnancy will turn into a completely enjoyable experience for me.  It took us a lot to get to this point and I’m so grateful, thankful and feeling blesses but hope that at some point I can enjoy being pregnant.  The first trimester has been a roller coaster of a ride – it’s not over yet and I’m looking forward moving quickly towards the second and the third trimesters!  (On a side note: I do not take any of this for granted and I embrace each “side effect” of pregnancy whole-heartedly).

I continue to read many of the blogs that I read before I got pregnant.  It breaks my heart to know that women who were dealing with infertility before me continue to deal with it.  I hurt for them like they hurt for me when I was struggling.  I know that many of them, if they read me before may not be reading now and I understand.  As I progress with this pregnancy, I realize that while I want to continue to support them I also need to start incorporating new blogs into my daily RSS feed.  I need to start reading some pregnancy blogs – those who are experiencing pregnancy at the same time as me and blogs of women who have been there before me.  I don’t want to leave people behind because the infertility community embraced me during my time of need and support.  I will continue to support by reading but I think I will stop commenting out of sensitivity to those who might feel upset by a now pregnant woman commenting…I know how hard and sad it might feel.  If I still have followers who continue to live with infertility and continue to comment on my blog I will feel more comfortable commenting back on their blogs.  I hope makes sense.

17 thoughts on “Observations from the First Trimester

  1. I started to feel guilty with my pregnant blog posts-until I had the realization-I NEVER WANTED TO START AN INFERTILITY BLOG!!!!!!! So why the hell do I feel bad that I might hurt an infertiles feelings because I am talking about finally being pregnant????

    I started my blog to help ME deal with being forced to terminate a much loved pregnancy with the hopes that very shortly (how naive I was!) I would be blogging about being pregnant again-only instead I got stuck with 2 years of shitty miscarriages and infertility to rant and rave about.

    I don’t feel guilty anymore. I currently comment on pregnant and not pregnant, and will continue to blog with reckless infertile abandon because in the end this is MY journey-I have no need to censor it 😉 But I will always comment with the heart of a broken infertile as I spent far too many days in that camp to EVER forget what that feels like. I suspect you will to!

  2. I’ve always wondered when the “glow” kicks in because they always talk about it being early on, but then again, (as you said) how can you glow when you feel like tossing your cookies? Maybe it’s the second trimester? Keep us posted on that one! I hope you feel better VERY soon!

    Oh, and I really don’t know how to say this any other way and hope it doesn’t come across as mean to anyone else, and I mean this as a compliment to you, but your pregnancy doesn’t “bother” me. For some reason, you’re on my good list of pregnant women I can stand to listen to. I hope no other pregnant women take offense to that, but I either don’t follow their blogs anyway, or I know them in real life and they’ll never read this…so…all that to say, while I sincerely appreciate your sensitivity, I really enjoy reading your blog still. I’m not saying that for the sole purpose of flattery, but to just say– feel free to comment on mine without a fear of being “insensitive.” I may be in a bad mood this week but it’s not about not being pregnant. So I won’t snub my nose at any kind words, no matter what the source. Besides, I’m confident I won’t be far behind you! 🙂

    2 days until you’re in the second trimester! Wishing you lots of luck!

  3. I think I could have written almost this exact post at the end of the first trimester. It seems like after IF that you should instantly have that pregnancy glow but instead i’m constantly stressed and disapointed which then leads to guilt, etc.

    As to blog commenting… when I was still in the trenches comments from women who were pregnant after IF were my favorite, I liked knowing they still cared and hadn’t forgotten how hard it was.

  4. 15 1/2 weeks I was able to not feel like I was going to vomit (morning sickness was 7:30am-8pm), 16 1/2weeks I felt the baby move, 21 weeks I looked in the mirror and smiled. A big smile. I saw a belly that’s growing a healthy baby girl that took 6 1/2 years to make. The first trimester is hard. You worry, you feel like crap, you feel guilty that you feel bad that your body is changing, you are tired. oh so tired. you need your husband but you push him away. in my case – you put stuff in the oven thinking it was the dishwasher.

    16 weeks. I say that’s when the magic starts to happen. Best of Luck!

  5. I still love reading your blog (and the blogs of many other pregnant-after-IF people). It gives me so much hope that someday it will be my turn. And like one of the previous posters said, I really appreciate it when people who are pregnant after IF still comment on my blog.

    And I hope your morning sickness clears up soon. The tastes I’ve had of it were pretty icky!

  6. Just randomly found you’re blog. I’m 11 weeks right now…and feeling much the same way about blogging. Luckily, a lot of my readers are pregnant or recently had children. It’s hard though not wanting to be insensitive to those still in the trenches. Glad you’re almost out of the first trimester!

  7. I think there are a lot of myths about pregnancy ‘glow’ etc. I’m definitely spending way too much time with my head in the toilet to have any of that… For me the first trimester is just really rough and all I can do is accept that. Even though it makes me incredibly sad, after living with infertility for so many years, that I can’t enjoy my pregnancy at the moment.

  8. I’m still here, and I hope you stick with me 🙂 I love seeing your success story! I’ve heard the first tri is rough and many women don’t even really feel pregnant or connected yet. Especially infertile ladies and those who have had miscarriages. It’s nerve-wracking and extra emotional. Hopefully it will get better. I bet you’ll enjoy it a lot more in the 2nd tri 🙂

  9. I started reading blogs (and started an aborted blog) just before I finally got pregnant with a baby who stayed. It was amazing that a lot of the people’s whose blogs I’d just started reading got pregnant right before or after me. I loved following their blogs and found it helpful all the way through, so I definitely agree that it’s a good thing to find people in the same place as you.

    For me, there wasn’t much of a glow throughout pregnancy, though I remember feeling better after the first trimester and up until the last month. When I gave birth I felt as though I could finally inhabit my body again. Good luck and hang in there!

  10. Here from ICLW…
    But we have many similarities!

    I’m petite (4’11″…was 97 pounds with my first pregnancy and 100 with my second, so I totally know what you are talking about!)

    I suffer from unexplained (which may or may not be, depending on the day and doctor, endometriosis, PCOS, DOR or Hostile eggs—which are super fun!) infertility, and have for nearly 12 years. My first pregnancy came after we went through multiple procedures, etc. for TEN years. Ten and a half, really, with a failed adoption to boot.

    I sort of wondered about all of that in the first trimester—and really, hated it when people said the second would be soooo much better, because frankly, it wasn’t!

    I know what it means to take nothing for granted, but still be realistic about the difficulties of pregnancy!

    And…most importantly…I suffered loss. My first son died ten hours after he was born (full term, btw…40w6d) due to some really, really rare labor complications. I know how scary a pregnancy after loss is…because you lost that ignorant bliss that once you are pregnant, it’s all going to be fine.

    So, hope you know there are LOTS of people out there who can relate and are glad to support. Enjoy every second you can, as much as you can, while allowing yourself to be realistic and fell what you feel. People will try to tell you how you SHOULD feel. There is no SHOULD. You do what you need to do to get through every day and be happy as you can be with all you can!!

    Best, best, best, best of luck. I am so excited for you!!!

  11. Honey, feel free to bitch about the symptoms of pregnancy. The first trimester can be especially hard. It’s exhausting, you feel crappy, and, when you are pregnant after loss and infertility, the raging hormones and emotions are a million times worse. {{{Hugs}}} and understanding coming your way.

    ICLW #66

  12. I just found your blog through ICLW! I am 10 weeks and a few days pregnant after 18 months of IF and 1 miscarriage in September. I am also on the prowl for some pregnancy after infertility blogs since I feel like I should start moving away from the infertility/miscarriage and focus more on pregnancy. Like you I’m struggling to feel happy and excited about pregnancy and seem to spend most of my time anxious and nervous about what lies ahead. I’m a new follower and I hope you’ll pop by my blog as well!

  13. I can’t speak for others, but I don’t have problems with now pregnant IF-ers or those who dealt with miscarriage posting on my blog. We’ve all gone down the same road, even if our stories are different.

    And I imagine my next pregnancy will be filled with the same discomfort and doubt that yours is. I know it won’t be an easy time (I doubt it will get much better as the pregnancy goes on). Your blog is just that — your place to let it out. I wouldn’t censor yourself just because you’re sensitive to what others are going through. It’s great that you ARE sensitive to that, but some people (me!!) want to read about pregnancies after loss. I want to know what it’s like and share with those trying to handle it.

    Sorry so long. This just struck a chord with me. 🙂

    ICLW #103

  14. Thanks for writing so honestly about your experience!
    I’m in my 3rd trimester now and I too had a tough time in the first trimester. Having a previous loss seriously messed with my head…I was scared something was going to happen all the time. Plus HORRIBLE nausea (although very little puking)…I was so sick in the first trimester…in the second trimester I started taking Zofran and I know pharmaceuticals aren’t for everyone but for me I was glad I avoided it in the first trimester but it brought a great deal of relief in the second. (and my OB swore up and down it was safe).
    For me, feeling the babies move has been the best thing about being pregnant by far…so you have that to look forward to.
    Hang in there! You are not the only one who hasn’t loved every second of being pregnant. 🙂

  15. When I was pregnant I constantly wondered when I would start to glow 🙂

    It is good to keep a little bit of everything in your reader. I still follow lots of infertile blogs that are 100% in the trenches, but when our IVF worked I followed several other infertile pregnant women at the same time.I now follow parenting blogs too. My reader is sorta full 🙂

    ICLW #108

  16. I’m now pregnant after a miscarriage too and I think that bitter taste of loss sort of spoils us enjoying our later pregnancies as much. It stifles our excitement and causes us to worry. I hope you do start to feel the “glow” of pregnancy soon and begin to enjoy it more. Yeah for the first trimester down! That is fantastic.

  17. Your post makes complete sense.

    I fell away from the IF community when I fell pregnant. I felt to reply to those still going through it was insensitive, because I wasn’t one of them anymore, although I had lived their lives for years. On the flip side, I am now told as a mother, I have no idea what those going through IF are feeling, so it’s like I am supposed to have forgotten the pain & heartache.

    As for glowing in pregnancy, it never happened for me. I was always worried something was going to happen, so didn’t get to attached. Now I look back, I feel ripped off for the short time I had & would love to experience it again (if I am ever given the chance).

    Congratulations on your pregnancy & Happy ICLW!

Please share your story

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s