Even four days after finding out that I’m pregnant, I can’t help but still think that infertility sucks. I struggled for a short amount of time compared to so many others but I can’t help but reflect back on the roller coaster that was our journey to today and I know that it isn’t over yet.
I can’t get excited because I am afraid. The last time I was pregnant, we lost our little one at 5w5d. I’m terrified that I will lose this one too. I’m terrified that I didn’t read my digital HPT correctly and that it really said NOT PREGNANT and that I’m wanting it so much that I read it as pregnant. I’m being ridiculous.
I so want to be excited but I’m terrified. I lay awake last night/this morning from 3:30-5 worrying. I need to stop worrying and trust in my body.
Our insurance doesn’t kick in until Dec. 1 and so I won’t see a doctor for this pregnancy until after then and even then I don’t know when I’ll be seen as I need to find a new doctor. Some of you have asked if I’m beta testing. I’m not because I don’t have insurance or a doctor yet – I would pay for it out of pocket but I think it would only increase my worrying. I’m trying to stay focused on the positive and take it day-by-day instead of focus on the numbers.
Today, I am pregnant! I’m grateful for being pregnant and I’m thrilled beyond words!