I’m not doing such a good job of keeping to my goal of accomplishing my to-do list. I know it’s only been one day and I have 11 more days to go but still…I had a revelation last night as to why I’m feeling more mopey and less motivated these days. Even though I feel as if I’m calmer this cycle during this TWW but it is not because I’m actually calmer about it. It is actually because I’m depressed as I anticipate the estimated due date of the loss of our first little one. It is on August 30 – two days after we’ll know if this IUI worked.
Last night I was looking at the calendar and it hit me. If we hadn’t lost our little one, we would be preparing to welcome our little one in the next couple of weeks. I would be making last-minute preparations – though knowing me, I’d be done. I would have a massively huge belly slowing me down. Instead of waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, I would wake up because my body is uncomfortable. The meaning of the TWW would have a completely different end result if we hadn’t had our loss.
I’m sad because of our loss. But I’m also very sad because we haven’t successfully gotten pregnant again. I never would have imagined losing a baby and at the time I never would have imagined not being pregnant again already.
People do things to commemorate their loss(es). I think often times it is when their pregnancy loss happens further along but I think that I want to do something anyway. I would plant a tree but since we’re likely going to move (and don’t have a yard in our city apartment), I will wait until we’re in our “home.” Perhaps I’ll release a single balloon on that day or maybe I’ll buy myself a necklace or bracelet to remember our little one. I’m not sure what I’ll do but I know that I’ll do something.
Did you do something to commemorate what would have been your little one’s birth day even with an early loss? If so, what was it and if I love it can I steal your idea? 🙂