I’m a dork!

I’m not doing such a good job of keeping to my goal of accomplishing my to-do list.  I know it’s only been one day and I have 11 more days to go but still…I had a revelation last night as to why I’m feeling more mopey and less motivated these days.  Even though I feel as if I’m calmer this cycle during this TWW but it is not because I’m actually calmer about it.  It is actually because I’m depressed as I anticipate the estimated due date of the loss of our first little one.  It is on August 30 – two days after we’ll know if this IUI worked.

Last night I was looking at the calendar and it hit me.  If we hadn’t lost our little one, we would be preparing to welcome our little one in the next couple of weeks.  I would be making last-minute preparations – though knowing me, I’d be done.  I would have a massively huge belly slowing me down.  Instead of waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, I would wake up because my body is uncomfortable.  The meaning of the TWW would have a completely different end result if we hadn’t had our loss.

I’m sad because of our loss.  But I’m also very sad because we haven’t successfully gotten pregnant again.  I never would have imagined losing a baby and at the time I never would have imagined not being pregnant again already.

People do things to commemorate their loss(es).  I think often times it is when their pregnancy loss happens further along but I think that I want to do something anyway.  I would plant a tree but since we’re likely going to move (and don’t have a yard in our city apartment), I will wait until we’re in our “home.”  Perhaps I’ll release a single balloon on that day or maybe I’ll buy myself a necklace or bracelet to remember our little one.  I’m not sure what I’ll do but I know that I’ll do something.

Did you do something to commemorate what would have been your little one’s birth day even with an early loss?  If so, what was it and if I love it can I steal your idea? 🙂

3 thoughts on “I’m a dork!

  1. Awww I feel your pain. I always remember the dates of my losses and due dates. It’s really hard. I hope you can celebrate a new pregnancy very soon! I like your ideas. I have probably done them all. Written a poem, lit a candle, said a special prayer. You could make a little jewelry item like a necklace to commemorate your angel baby. Get a tattoo! 🙂

  2. Tattoo! Definitely a tattoo.

    My due date just passed, it was the 15th. I had called my sister and freaked out and cried a few days before, and on that day I just let it pass…I didn’t even thought about it. Instead of thinking about the loss, I’ve been trying to think about all of the things I can do that I wouldn’t be able to if I were 9 months pg. That helped for me, at least.

    I hear you though. When I had my miscarriage, I basically thought to myself – “I’ll be OK as long as I’m pg again by my due date”. Well, that didn’t happen, but it wasn’t as traumatic as I thought it would be.


  3. When I had my miscarriage, my little sister told me that it’s okay to be sad and mourn the loss but to remember that now I have something very special – a guardian angel. I have had two early losses since then and of course I was devastated, but I also couldn’t help but think about all three of my angels playing together in heaven and watching over their mommy. My sister bought me a little angel necklace and every time I wear it, it makes me smile. My babies aren’t with me physically, but I will always carry them with me close to my heart.

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