This morning was my CD3 ulstrasound to confirm that I have no cysts lingering and that I can start to take the Letrozole to prepare for IUI number two. Everything looks good. My antrafollicle count is OK – 4-5 on the left side and 8 on the right side. I asked my questions and got answers that were vague but confident on his end. I’m not so confident but I have to trust that he is the expert and has been doing this for years.
I asked my question re: dose of Letrozole resulting in thin lining and overly large follicles: his response – we never know how a body responds to a medication but I’m not concerned about your lining, it worked out fine in the end and yes, follicles can be too large so let’s bring you in on CD12 to see where your follicles measure. Let’s leave the dose as it is.
I decided to leave the HSG question alone for right now. I will do my own research on where I would get it done, pricing, etc. And, I’ll ask my OB to order the test to be done. If this IUI fails, I’ll be prepared and ready to make my decision.
And, so begins preparing for this second IUI.
Yesterday evening I had a complete meltdown. It was the emotional meltdown that I thought I would have had either earlier in the last cycle as a result of the Letrozole or on the day I got my period. But no, I held out for 24 hours. I had a great morning. I was over my initial disappointment of getting my period. I had a great new business meeting, which resulted in a signed client at least through the end of the year and I signed a contract with another client for a smaller two-month project. So, good news!
I was feeling so positive that I decided to treat myself to an eyebrow wax and tint. It is something that I do to feel better and it has been a while since I’ve been in save-money-for-infertility-treatments mode. But, the girl f’ed up and left the tint on too long. I look terrible. I probably feel worse about it than it looks. AND, my sister-in-law sent me an email that pretty much, if I read into it correctly, confirms my fears that she is pregnant and isn’t ready to share the news yet. THEN, as I was cooking, which in addition to writing is my comfort, a tiny splash of hot oil hit me in the face.
All of those things were the perfect storm and I fell apart. MH was running late and wasn’t responding to my text messages because he was on the phone. So, I got worried and started to imagine the worst case scenario that he got hit by a bus or a car on his way home from work. I was a complete mess when he walked in the door. I was pretty much hyperventilating because I was sobbing so hard.
My sweet husband held me in his arms. He reminded me that all of these things individually would be nothing in the scheme of it and that if we weren’t struggling so hard that I would be fine. He reminded me that it is OK to cry and be sad. He reminded me that I need to be happy for my sis-in-law and brother because when it is our time, they will be happy for us. He reminded me that he loves me and married me not because he wanted me to give him babies but because he loves me so much that he wants to be by my side for the rest of our lives. I love my husband so much. I feel so lucky. I’m glad that since we’re forced to go through this challenge in life together that it is he who is by my side and not one of my previous relationships.
I lost control last night. I’ve been devastated and sad and cried before about this crappy situation – once when the doctor in the ER confirmed the miscarriage and again when I heard the diminished ovarian reserve diagnosis. But, I held it together with those for the most part. I cried with MH, we wiped my tears and went on. Last night, I felt out of control. I could have cried all night. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m odd and my hormones kick in after…who knows. But, it felt good. I could use another good cry again soon (but maybe I’ll save it for when I’m home alone).