Hearing those words at the RE’s office was a kick to the stomach. I don’t think that I understood much of what the doctor said to us after he told me why we had been struggling to get pregnant after our miscarriage. He was very kind but very straightforward. He said that my risk of miscarriage is higher and that my chances of getting pregnant on my own are lowered tremendously. AND, if we need to go to IVF that they like to try to get 15-18 eggs at the time of retrieval and that my body would probably only produce 8-10 at most during that IVF cycle. (Note: I know that there are people out there with less positive outcome scenarios than me and I’m sensitive to that but I’m only speaking about my own diagnosis here and my feelings about it).
I held it together in the office for as long as I could. The moment we got to the elevator bank and pushed the down button, I grabbed MH’s hand, put my sun glasses on and let the tears slide down my face silently. The doors to the elevator opened and we got in with another woman. We rode down still in silence with more and more tears sliding down my face. I couldn’t stop them from coming. As soon as we got outside, I couldn’t hold any of my emotions back. I was broken. Devastated. I felt almost as much despair as I did when the doctor in the ER confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. All of the hope, the possibilities that I had in my head that I imagined the RE would provide me were almost nearly shattered.
In doing research and connecting with others, I still am concerned about my diagnosis. I wonder if my RE is not being aggressive enough or if we are rushing too fast. This entire process if a contradiction. I’m 35. I should still be fertile but I’m not. I’m facing a challenging but not impossible diagnosis.
I’m trying to find hope in the midst of this and I do have it. It actually saves me but it also slays me. I get so hopeful during the TWW – I get my hopes up and I truly believe that this is it! This is the cycle that I will get a BFP. That this cycle will be like the doctors say: the one where she got pregnant before she had to resort to the x or y medical intervention. I prayed and hoped that would be during the last cycle. The last natural cycle we would have before starting on meds. Now, I’m hoping and praying that Letrozole, the trigger, the IUI and the progesterone are the magic combination that gives me a BFP on August 1 – MH’s birthday.
At this VERY second (8:13am PT), I’m not feeling very hopeful. In past cycles, I have almost always gotten some very strong symptoms of PMS/pregnancy very early in the TWW. I’m now 5dpiui and I have NONE. Nothing of note. So, I’m not too hopeful based on the signs.
Only time will tell.
I’m committed to facing this challenge: DOR. Head on. In trying to find the silver lining, I’m grateful that MH’s swimmers are healthy, fast and abundant. I’m praying that one of the 80 million saved from the sperm wash the other day found both or one of the two large follies! I’m trying to envision them connecting and burrowing deep into my lining and staying there, warm and comfortable.
I’m hoping — even though sometimes I think my hope might jinx it. I’m hoping that I will be carrying a baby in my body on my EDD, which is August 30. But, there I go again. I’m probably jinxing it.